The saddest part of all

With the risk of sounding way too political I thought it would be a good thing to comment on the disappointing turnout at the IR rally that took place across the nation today.

I promise not to make this too long, but what happened in our nation today was nothing short of a disgrace. The intention was there and it was good: A huge cross-country rally that would show solidarity and support for the workers in objection to the new workplace laws that the Howard government has inflicted. The end result was a poor showing and complete complacency brought forward by the people.

In Perth only 20,000 workers...and when I say workers I mean WORKERS, ended up attending at Members Equity Stadium. In Melbourne at the MCG, only 50,000 showed at a stadium with 100,000 capacity. It was poor and it even brought forward jokes from the governments front benchers in federal parliament today.

The question I'm putting forward is a simple word; Why? Why would our nations workers and battlers risk their futures by not showing up to voice their opinions against the new workplace agreements, laws which obstruct basic freedoms and also make life increasingly difficult for the working and middle classes.

This government has shown nothing but contempt and ignorance of the nations workers and has failed to show compassion to those who struggle throughout life. It has also shown that it doesn't care about normal everyday families and the problems that they face, obviously members of the coalition are too self-involved in looking after themselves and a few greedy corporate heads in the country.

The problem is, is that the majority of Australians fail to realise this or they don't really care. And that my friends is the saddest thing of all - to quote Shakespeare's Julius Caeser:

"A man, at some times, is in control of his fate". Line ii Act v

And unfortunately most Australian men and women have chosen to be in control of a fate far worse than they can possibly imagine. This is only the beginning folks and it is shaping up to look much more gloomy in the future.

For on this day, the masses did not rise, nor did they show defiance, nor rebel, nor utter their torment.

And that is the saddest part.

Chess - What it all means

Since the age of 11 I've been a fond player of the game known as Chess. The game, apart from being enjoyable for the sheer use of strategy and foresight, is a complete social commentary on feudal society, one of the reasons I love it so much.

So why is this game so politically accurate in its vision medieval society? First of all because it dates back to the middle ages with its origins in India. It spread throughout Europe like wildfire because of its relevance to their own monarchistic socieities, and has since been altered slightly and made to fit a more Western iconic look. Let's review each piece and you can take a look for yourself:

The Pawn - The most numerous and seemingly harmless piece on the set. What they lack in power and movement they make up for in numbers. Much like the Proletariat workers of fuedal society, they make up the bulk of the population, yet as individuals they are worthless. However used in numbers together in attack or defence of the crown, they can prove to be a valuable piece.

They are more often than not abused by most novice players. Their use seems to mirror the way a baron would send his frontline Plebian troops in to combat first as a human shield and to inflict the most damage on the enemy before the next class of warrior would be sent out. Similar to the way that ancient Roman society seperated the Patrician class from regular citizens, we see a huge jump in power and movement from the Pawns to the next piece on the board, the Rook.

The saddest thing about the plight of the Pawns is that they may only move forward into battle, and may never again be able to return home to their families and their life. However in the unlikely event that they are successful and make it all the way past enemy lines, they will have the honour of rising in class (more on that later).

The Rook - An icon for ancient turret towers and keeps of medieval France and England, the Rook is a chess players best defence if used correctly. They represent the tower guards, a cities last line of defence in battle. They sit in each corner of the backline of the board, watching and waiting for the Kings order to Castle so that he may be better defended. They are not only guards, but they are the next class of warrior up from regular citizens known as Pawns.

They move in straight lines much like the Pawns, however they encompass the privelage of being able to move in an infinite line. However they may not attack the enemy on a diagonal, and much like the warrior class in fuedal society, they have a downfall.

The Knight - Like those who have knelt before royalty to gain the title, Knights in Chess move in mysterious and unpredictable way. For both Knights on each side of the board, no matter where they are or what move they will make, they have 4 possible moving options. Moving one square less can prove disaster whereas moving one more square forward could be the difference between either side proclaiming 'check mate'.

The Knights are indeed a privelaged Patrician class. Their obvious ability to move in direction is an advantage, however the one thing that seperates the Knights from any other piece on the board is that it has the ability to jump over other pieces. Rather than having to take out the enemy to gain a square, the Knight may simply choose to avoid confrontation, it will bypass the enemy to go somewhere (for self-gain or for the greater good?) In any event, this heavily resemble the Knights Templar and their ability to create their own rules based on their brotherhood. It is an apparent concoction of arrogance and corruption of the mind and the abuse of their power of not only the enemy in rules of engagement, but their own side.

If used correctly and in a more subtle way however, the Knight can be lethal to the enemy and bring glory to his kingdom.

The Bishop - The religious order, the one class that a society will base itself around. They wield not only great power, but a unique move to the other orders of the board other than the Queen: They move diagonally. The difference in direction will prove fatal to players of the game who choose to not think laterally and focus on seeing the game one way. Like the way a kingdom will create its laws around a religious order, the Bishop sees to it that it has its say when check is involved. More often than not this piece will play some sort of a role in the end of the game.

And much like the way a society would crumble if the church were to disappear, a player will soon find his pieces collapsing under the heavy weight of losing one or both of their Bishops.

The Bishop moves infinitely in a diagonal line, however it also attacks in a diagonal line. It does this to prove to the Pawns that it is just like them, common, meek, and humble. However it does not reveal to the Pawn that unlike them, it has been given the privelage of moving further than they can.

This now brings me to the two final pieces on the board.

The Queen - No other Chess piece has the movement that the Queen possesses. She seems as if she has taken a lesson from every other piece on the board and combined them into her own personal arsenal. She moves forwards, backwards, in a straight line and diagonally. She can move only 1 or as many tiles at a time as she likes, and she is the most unlikely to be captured early.

It seems that the fact the Queen is given such rights and freedom says a lot about medeival society. Perhaps Kings were not the most powerful force in their society, rather it was his Queen that bore down on the plebs and patricians and peasants with authority. The sheer fact that the Queen is able to not only protect but also attack in a short amount of time and cover so much of that space says to me what high regard the original creators of the game had for their female leaders.

However the most common way of losing a game of Chess is to simply lose your Queen. With much reckless wandering around the board without aim or purpose, or simply abusing your power and right of movement, will in the end cost you the battle. Much like the downfall of Marie Antoinette, the Pawns and Knights, Bishops and Rooks and in some cases even the Kings, will be able to deliver mortality unto her majesty.

That being said, a new Queen will always arise if the Pawns are careful. No longer does one being born into the lower classes of society have to remain stuck there. By being able to last long and be careful about making it past enemy lines and into the very heart of your adversary, you will be able to become a Queen (or if there is a Queen still on your side then another piece of higher rank).

All that hard work and effort has finally paid off, you have been recognised by your kingdom for your skill and purpose in the war, and now you have been highly ranked and given the privelage of movement. Now you have regained your forces and can win.

The King - A monarch who goes off and fights in the war is a beacon unto his men. However in Chess there are no King Richard's and there is certainly no hero of royalty. The King is simply not a fighter, he is a staid, old and immobile ruler who simply commands the forces, including his own wife (who mind you with her moves I'd be careful bossing around). He coordinates the defence around him, this is obvious because when push comes to shove in Chess and a checkmate looks imminent, all the pieces will crowd him, will create a shield and a last stand.

Sometimes the last stand is never enough and the forces collapse, the other player obviously has too many fighters who are in top shape and excellent positions. Sometimes however one smart move and piece of forward thinking will tip the scales of battle towards the player in trouble. Or they need is to take out one key piece and they will be on the road to victory.

The King can only move one square, much like a Pawn. However he may also move backwards (back home) and sideways (dodging enemies). He may also move diagonally (to attack or dodge). However being a useless piece does not necessarily mean it is worth losing, for once the King is taken the game is over. Once opposing player has cleverly moved his pieces in for check and the King has run out of luck with escape routes, then war has been lost. The kingdom has been taken over by invaders, conquered to make way for the new rulers of the very same feudal society. Nothing changes though, everything will still be the same, why do you think each side, despite being black or white, looks exactly the same?

It's Tuesday (another original blog title)

If you're bored with my blog or just simply don't like it, check out my cousin Kellie's blog, I just visited it and she spends most of it taking the piss out of me (all in good fun though). If any of you know Kellie you'd understand her sense of humour and why certain things she talks about seem funnier the more you think about them.

So it's almost mid-week, pay day tomorrow and already I'm about to be giving away more money again. Rather than actually receive a tax return this year, I have to pay close to $300 back to the bloody government. Why? Because apparently one of my part time jobs over the past year didn't tax me enough, even though I was practically bent over and raped by my other job when it came to taxes (and wages as well).

However it's not like there's a complete gloomy side to that story, I still have a pretty good weekend to look forward to and there are some cool new books out at the moment (I just finished Going Postal by Terry Pratchett about 3 days after buying it, this is why I get headaches).

For those of you (if any) who read Pratchett's novels, this is by far one of his best works....then again I say that about all his books, especially the City Watch series.

If you haven't read any of these Discworld novels and are a keen reader I definitely recommend them to you, there are around about 40 of them now and they are a great read. I recommend starting with the Rincewind series which starts with the first Discworld novel - The Colour of Magic (1983) and then reading the City Watch series which is an absolute laugh.

However most of you may actually have something called 'a life' and probably have better things to do with your time.






Well that's enough from me today - I've been asked to attend a focus group this evening. I'd usually refuse but there are 2 factors that have won me over. First of all, I get $70 for attending and answering a few questions. Secondly, and this is the most important, the focus group is about BEER!

Yes, one of my favourite subjects, there'll be no keeping me quiet tonight, I especially hope that we get a few samples if you know what I mean.

Anyway that's definitely it for today, catch this space again for yet another useless dribble tomorrow evening, if I can be bothered.

Blue Comedy - the winning formula

Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson, Andrew Dice Clay, Rodney Rude. What have they all got in common? Of course it's gotta be their crude and rude brand of humour that seperates them from other stand-up artists. So what is the formula they use that makes them so successful and unforgettable? I think I've found out....

Always being a fan of the shock value of crude humour, I've made it my business lately to go out and find what it is that makes it so particularly interesting to people. Apart from the actual shock value itself, there has to be other reasons than simply hearing delightful F's and C's every so often.

Is it their appearance? Take Rodney Rude for example, now although this is a caricature, I can tell you now, it's a pretty bloody good likeness. Is it the hair, the face, or the whole getup?

Is it their background? Kevin bloody Wilson has led a pretty interesting life, and growing up in Kalgoorli you're bound to have an interesting life anyway. Is it the stories they can tell? Is it their ability to make up BS on the spot?

American comedians such as Andrew Dice Clay use expletive sexual language in their jokes as well as swearing often to the point where you think they might actually be Aussie. So is it throwing in a bunch of innuendos and referring to women diminutively that captivates an audience?

Look, whatever it is that makes these comedians so distinct, it doesn't matter, because I've come up with a simple way to get in on the act. Remember my Aussie SitCom creator from a few weeks ago? Well this is similar, all you have to do is read the following stand up dialogue, throw in your own words between the gaps, and make sure that they're shocking and expletive enough to grab an audience and sell some albums and DVD's over Christmas. Be as creative as you like, and remember, don't hold back.

Announcer on PA system calls (your stage name here)...................out and introduces you to the crowd made up of beer drinking truckies and farmers at the towns local RSL club. You come out.

"G'day ya bunch of ........... .................. ................ how are ya?"

"I was out at Bullaballing last week, this bloody dumb sheila comes up to me and asks me to ......... her in the .......... with my ............. So I told her she'd have to wait till I finished ........................with her ................... Then her bloody husband comes up to me and tells me to ........ off and ......... a sheep. I just told him that I'd rather....... a sheep than........his wife. So I thanked him and left.

"Driving out past Toodyay yesterday, saw a dead ....... on the side of the road. Looked like it had been ................by a bloody lonely farmer."

"F%#k, it's tough walking down Hay Street in Kalgoorli without being approached by a ............ Fortunately I don't need a ............ that often and bring a stash of ............ with me wherever I go."

"This blonde Sheila in a bar in Adelaide asks me to .......... her ............ for her. I politely obliged but God she smelt awful. Maybe all South Aussie sheilas are like that, not enough.................being sold in the chemists."

"Me and my mate Bob are walkin out of a pub in Ballarat one night. This big ............ of a bouncer calls us back in, asks which one of us ........... the girl behind the bar. I told him that neither of us .......... the girl behind the bar, but we'd have a..............at her..........if given the chance."

"Thankyou all you've been a bunch of ............... tonight go ........... off."

Anyway for those of you who were confused here are the answers to the gap words in order:

First paragraph: Ticket, Buying, Patrons

Second paragraph: Help, Bar, Corkscrew, Drinking, Husband, Run, Shear, Shear, Help

Third paragraph: Light, Cigarrette Nicotene, Patches

Fourth paragraph: Tank, Tipped, Tipped, Look, Wages

Final line: Gentleman, Sleep it

If you wrote anything else in there then your nothing but a filthy debaucherous foul mouth and need mental help

Pearl Jam - What a Show!

For only the second time in my life I got to see Pearl Jam live last night. Excuse my French but they were fuckin awesome!

The gig was at Subi oval and despite having seats on the oval itself without any elevation, we were directly in front of the stage and saw a hell of a show. I took my fiance along as well, even though she's not a fan of the pearl, I wanted her to experience who, in my opinion, are the greatest band on Earth today. I've followed them since I was 12 years old and saw them live when I was 15, that was a great show in itself but after some careful consideration, it didn't compare to the show that Eddie and the boys put on last night, not by a long shot!

Anyway here's how the show went and my experience.

We arrived at the oval at around about 7:30pm, Kings of Leon were already performing. I was curious to see what they were like live since I'd sampled some of their music in the past. Unfortunately the sound wasn't too good when they were playing and I also headed off to the bar to grab a couple of drinks, so I can't really comment on their performance at all. Hopefully my cousin Kellie has commented on the show on her blog here and will say something about them.

Anyway as I said I ducked off to the bar to grab a couple of cold ones, however the line (not to my surprise) was about 20 metres long and didn't budge much. So I took my place, full of hope that the band that I came here to see wouldn't start for a while. I was wrong!

Just as I got to order what I wanted I heard what every rock fan doesn't want to hear when they're not in their seat: A loud roar from the audience. I thought to myself that they're just teasing the crowd and will be about 5 minutes. Then all my fears became realised as the opening riff to Once began and all hell broke loose. I grabbed the beers, literally threw 10 dollars at one of the girls behind the counter, yelled something like 'keep the change' and just bolted up the stairs and back out to the oval. It was awesome! The sound was great, the audience was right into it, I couldn't hear anything else.

Eventually I found my way back to my seat, spilling one of my beers almost completely as I went to stand on my chair and attempt to skull the very same beverages that kept me from seeing the band come out in the first place.

For those of us who have fond memories of hard rock in the early 90's, particularly Seattle groups, the opening 3 tunes was a trip down memory lane: Once, Animal and Go. I remembered overhearing a guy in line when I was waiting for my beer, saying that he was going to miss out on all the old stuff and they'd play all the crappy new stuff when he finally got out there. Sorry mate but you wasted your 103 dollars on a ticket! If you were a true fan then you'd understand that although the old stuff is classic, Pearl Jam have consistently been good for 15 years and show no signs of slowing down. Every single one of their tracks is a classic in my opinion, no matter how old or how new.

One of the highlight's of the night was definitely during Even Flow when Mike McCready partook in a 7 minute guitar solo, playing the axe behind his head and just ripping the song to shreds. This was followed by an equally sound drum solo by Matt Cameron, who has definitely got to be one of the best drummers in the world today. At one stage I didn't want him to stop at all and just keep going, but then realised that the song had to finish at some point.

Now on to Eddie Vedder. Man can this guy put on a show! Out of all the rock groups in the world today who play to sold out arenas, Pearl Jam are one of the few who actually care about giving their fans an entertaining and engaging show, rather than just going out on stage, playing 90 minutes worth of music and then heading off. A few times Eddie commented on what a beautiful night it was, and that was true. Conditions were perfect for an outdoor concert and you could feel the vibe that the band enjoyed being out there.

The second highlight of the night was when the band played the song on their list with the longest name: Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town. I've always loved this song, and when Eddie dedicated the song to a bunch of guys from Yallingup, well that was just special for me because I always play this song when going on a road trip down south and this is what the song reminds me of. It was a good old sing-a-long for the crowd as well and you could sense who the true fans of the band were while it was performed.

Then there was the encore, and as usual, Pearl Jam delivered more in their final 5 songs than they had all night. It all began when Eddie spoke about this great wine (he held a bottle in his hands) made from a woman named 'Margaret'. Then to make the night even better, he spoke about a guy he met earlier in the week who was going to take his girlfriend to the concert. The crowd went nuts when Eddie asked the guys girlfriend if she would marry him (the fan not Eddie). I think she must've said yes because there was some cheering, I also think that they were both in the mosh pit which was really cool as well.

The first time I saw Pearl Jam they didn't play the Hunters and Collectors song Throw Your Arms Around Me. However they have since made this a habit and I got the pleasure of finally seeing them perform the great song live. They followed this up with Last Kiss and then Better Man. Daughter was another highlight of the night, another huge favourite of mine, and of course the absolute classic Alive was played before the band had to say goodbye to us.....for now.

It was a night not to forget and I recommend to anyone that the next time they are in Perth to definitely go and see them. Even if you're not a fan or don't even listen to their music at all, go along and you'll experience what a great show is all about. None of this showmanship and boasting, it was all about a great rock band playing to the crowd and giving them what they wanted, engaging them and making it seem that even though we were amid an audience of about 20,000, it was intimate and at times we could have easily been in a small pub or concert hall.

The only thing I'm sad about is that it's now over and I'll have to wait a long time to get to see them again. However I always have my record collection to keep me company until then.

Western Australia - Seperation from the Commonwealth

A little under 2 weeks ago, the Australian High Court ruled in favour of the Howard government's workplace changes bill. The new IR laws have been disputed for over a year now and controversially give employers more freedom to sack staff, pay minimum wages, and cut holidays and sick leave at their discretion. The ruling was based on the fact that the commonwealth government can overrule state law if corporations are involved. This have paved the way for future state decisions to be overturned and vetoed by Howard whenever he feels like it, and a centralist model of government is shaping on the horizon. This has sparked the question: Should Western Australia break off from the rest of the country and form its own sovereign state and republic? YES!

Myself being a Marxist and Socialist, I've always been in favour of the centralisation of government and its coordination of public services such as; Hospitals, Police, Education, Telecommunications, Broadcasting, and Emergency Services. However Australia's form of Federalism is fine with me, I like the idea of states being able to control many aspects of their territory, and for the federal government to fund the states appropriately. However what I do not agree with is the fact that the commonwealth government can stick their noses into the business of the states when they have no right to, with aspects such as Education and Employment. The next thing we will see will be infrastructure, water and power usage and land being controlled by Canberra.

It's already begun however, the national takeover of our states. With Labor holding five states in our country, it was only natural that they would combine with the ACTU and other unions to fight the IR laws that the federal coalition government has enforced upon us. Laws that were never discussed at all in the last federal election held in 2004. Laws that are opposed by the majority of working and middle class Australians. Yet these laws are being pushed even with the resentment of the public towards them. That is not democracy and it is not how a federal government should work. Eventually the laws were passed by 5 of 7 high court judges, ruling in favour of the commonwealth with the justification that the federal government can move to overrule the states in corporate issues.

This was only the beginning.

Last week, Howard stated that in 10 years time Australia would be powered by nuclear energy, amid rising concerns of global warming. The argument was the nuclear power is clean and efficient. What about all that waste Mr Howard? What about the threat of explosions and meltdowns? What about the disruption to wildlife and native fauna? What about the cost of building an estimated 187 power plants across the country? How disgusting will that look in the beautiful landscape of the outback?

The point is, even with the states objecting to being supplied by nuclear power, the Howard government can still do what it wants because it will claim that it is in corporate interest, and we will see yet another repeat of the last high court injustice.

Also what about the alternatives? Solar Power, Wind Power, and let's not forget Hydroelectric facilities! Sure all these alternative are costly and have proven inefficient, but let's not forget that if they are actually used together, then they would prove to be more economically viable and logically sane choices. The problem with our government is that it puts all it's eggs into one big basket and relies on that too much. Look at the problem with fossil fuels now? The same issues will arise when we rely on uranium. Which brings me to my next point - The only reason that the Howard government is keen on nuclear power is because processed uranium can gain 4 times the price that our raw uranium exports do at the moment. Is money the key here? I think so as well.

The typical doctrine of a conservative right-wing government: To make self gain and wealth our first priority, to make the people and the land our very last!

Some of you are probably sitting there right now saying 'what a bloody hippie'. No far from it. I am just an informed and educated person who doesn't feel ashamed to be someone who places their intellectual capacity, selflessness and care for humanity as their top values. Someone who actually gives a damn what happens to others and the environment. Someone who is dead agains the anti-intellectualism and conservative views of both the Bush and Howard administrations.

My view of government is that there shall be no collusion or involvement at all between corporations and politicians, except for regulation and ensuring that innocent people do not suffer the decisions of the wealthy and powerful.

Don't get me wrong though, some Labor governments have been guilty of this in the past and present as well, and to me that is completely wrong, however what the Howard government is doing is downright totalitarianism and mirrors any dictatorship that has ever existed anywhere in the world at any time.

This now brings me on to Education. Being a teacher myself, I find it harder and harder to avoid the politics involved with my job, wether it be the minute political struggles that occur in the office or the classroom, or the massive scale battles that are now occurring between the federal education minister Julie Bishop and her WA counterpart, Liliana Ravlich.

This war dates back to the introduction of Outcomes Based Education (OBE). Now I am an advocate of OBE because I don't believe that children should be graded in their education, they should be levelled instead, so teachers, parents, and themselves can see where they are in progress and how much progress they have actually made in a certain amount of time. Grades give a child an E (meaning fail) to an A (meaning top mark). This is an elitist form of education and it basically creates a culture where a class will have it's tops and its bottoms. This is wrong, children are supposed to be encouraged, prompted, taught and inspired by their teachers to do their very best at their own capacity, not to strive for an A grade or be told that they will only ever amount to being a failure.

The commonwealth government is not happy with OBE. It believes that education should be centralised in Australia and all students should be graded. Even today in school reports, although students are levelled, we teachers still have to work out a grade to give them for the year, and that is the saddest part of the commonwealth governments interference, it means that OBE is pointless because the overall objective that we wanted to achieve has not been reached, grades still exist.

Julie Bishop is threatening to cut off 1 billion dollars of funding to the WA department of education and training next year if OBE is carried through again. It will be, the money will not come here, and not only will our schools and teachers suffere, but our future will be thrown away as well, because we will not be able to adequately support our students without resources, appropriate facilities and better teacher training.

Just another example of the federal government interfering in the states affairs.

So what do we do?

There are two options: 1 is to vote for the ALP and throw out the coalition government by the next election. However 90% of Australians are so complacent and happy that they don't realise what is happening around them, and when they do it will be way too late to do anything about it.

The second option is for WA to break away from the commonwealth and become it's own sovereign state. This would be hard and it would take years of fights in the high court and in parliament, however I would be extremely happy if it were to happen.

For starters we would still work well with the rest of Australia and enjoy the same democratic rights as the eastern half. We would be able to reap in the full reward of the sale of our raw minerals in the northern half of WA. We would be able to form a republic and have our own head of state, no longer having ties with Great Britain and the Queen.

And most importantly of all, we would finally be free of commonwealth interference and overruling. We would be free of nuclear power, and we would be able to govern ourselves.

I am all for a seperation of Western Australia from the commonwealth as we are able to support ourselves in our rich and vast land, and I wish for the day that it comes.

The Ashes - bringing Aussies together since 1882

The excitement has been built up and all that tension you've held since last year can now be released; The Ashes have begun, and what a beginning it's been.

My day today started out just like any other day. First in at work, entered my office, switched on computer and then turned on radio. The only difference is that today I was going to be listening to a lot of that radio, and as predicted, a lot of people spent plenty of time in my office. The reason? The Ashes of course. What other sporting event other than; The Melbourne Cup, AFL Grand Final, NRL Grand Final, Olympic Games, Bathurst, Bledisloe Cup, Rugby World Cup....ok there's a lot there, but how many other events can truly bring us all closer together? The answer is not many, not many at all.....despite what you've just read.

There is something about our battles with the poms that makes us slightly more patriotic (for Aussies anyway) and proud of who we are......proud that we're not poms that's for sure!

The Barmy army can carry on all they want and be as loud as they want, but when it's all said and done and all the cheering and spoofed songs have been sung, the Aussies will always be on top, no matter what.

Today, despite being an absolute C of a day at work, was made a little better by the fact that so many different people were dropping in on my office to listen in on the action. Despite the fact that almost every single classroom had their television sets switched on to the match (God bless those teachers who allowed their kids to watch it) my office is easier to get to and I also gave away free minties (even though they were supposed to be for me!)

The fact that I'm trying to get at here, is that normally people come into my office to either; 1) ask for time off from their classes, 2) bitch about other teachers, or 3) bitch about their jobs. Neither of those happened in my office today, every single person walking in did so with a big smile on their face (apart from the suspicious smile people usually wear) and an enthusiasm to listen in. It was like a mini-party going on, it was great.

What other event, during a week-day in the office, could bring people closer together and to actually mingle (even though there was a crap load of work still to be done) and chat and just plain relax for 5 minutes of the day, take some down time and listen to the cricket? Of course it's The Ashes.

And of course Australia was superb. Langer fought back at his critics, Haydn was disappointing but still managed a decent total, Ponting was surprising and blew the poms away.

It was a great start to the first test, the first test of a great series that Australia, without a doubt, will win, and take back The Ashes!

Up There Cazaly Updated

For those wondering when a new post would occur, well it's up. Click here to get the full scoop of the Internet's only blog dedicated to AFL. And for those of you asking the question whether or not this blog is dedicated at all, well the quiet time is now over and regular posts will update 3-4 times a week and daily once the 2007 season begins.

The new look SuperSimmo

Just a quick post to mention the new-look of SuperSimmo (in fact the 11th new look it's received so far this year, although it's not as subtle as the other changes I've made apart from the full template change that took place back in April). So....enjoy!

We can be heroes

What happens when one of your best mates tells you that he had a dream about Transformers? Well one can only assume that one must find a safe and suitable distance.

Eearlier this afternoon I was chattin to a good mate of mine. Now I won't mention his name here as he has asked for anonomity, so let's just call him Derek for arguments sake. Now Derek has been a little under the pump lately, busy with work and what-not, and he can be forgiven for being a little random lately. However I can only imagine the reason behind his little 'adventures' with Optamus Prime and the rest of the Autobots as they battled the evil Deceptacons last night. Well he's here with us today so I'm assuming that Megatron didn't get the best of him.

Seriously though, why do some of us have some whacked and tripped out dreams? Is there a Freudian explanation behind our time on stage playing bass for Motley Crue? Is there logical reasoning for suddenly finding ourselves piloting an X-wing in the Death Star trench. And what is the story behind getting some action with a room full of playmates (well now thats a whole different story there tiger).

Take my mate Derek for instance, something must have triggered this dream. Was it the excitement of the up-coming live action Transformers film coming out next year? Now I am finding it harder and harder each day to contain that excitement, and with all nerdy energy inside me about to explode, I don't know what I'd do to contain it as I stand in line all day when it finally does come out. However I don't think that's the entire reason. We must have something that triggers these dreams, I mean there has to be at least a minute sub-conscious reason why they happen.

Here's an example: When I was young, and please be kind to me, I used to have recurring dreams almost every night where I was Robin Hood. Please stop laughing. Seriously I'd ride around on my horse through Sherwood forest and try to evade King Johns guards. Why? Because as a kid I used to have a huuuuuuuuge fascination with the Robin Hood stories and to this day (until now) have kept that hidden from everyone.

So there was a reason for this. Eventually I outgrew those dreams...had the normal fun dreams that most adolescent boys have, and have now moved on to dreaming about playing bass in a heavy metal band. Why? Because possibly my dreams are the only place where this can happen, and maybe because I have no musical talent at all it's what I really want.

Then why Transformers?

Not only because it was and still is one of the greatest cartoon series of all time (only behind TMNT and Dragon Ball Z and just inches in front of Thunder Cats), but also because secretly we all want to play the hero. We all want to go on heroic adventures where we save the meek from the evil-doers, overcome our own inner turmoil and eventually, always, win the girl. Why do you think so many action/adventure films follow the same formula? Just like dreams they are a form of escape from our everyday lives.

So can we be heroes in our real lives? Can we stop fantasising and actually go on an adventure, overcome adversity, become hero, and win the girl? Yes we can. We all can. No matter what we do in our lives, no matter what career path we choose, no matter where we are, no matter what, if we all make a little difference every day, well then in that little way I guess we really are all hereos.

This has been an absolute toss by SuperSimmo

What's the Story Morning Glory?

Waking up isn't such a bad thing, the hard part is when you get what I like to call, 'Morning Amnesia'. Questions such as; 'Where am I?', 'Do I have to get up?', 'Do I really have that job or was it all a very bad dream?', come into our heads and believe me, it's not a great feeling when reality and reasoning set in.

However I'm used to it now. I've fallen into my stride and based my life around a simple routine I like to follow every day....or at least I have been following until today. This is a typical morning for Simmo:

5:15am: Alarm goes off, I struggle but after a good 30 seconds I am finally able to put it on snooze and get a few more minutes of sleep. Back to dreaming about releasing that album with Cliff Richards.

5:20am: Alarm goes off again, this time I'm able to set snooze on quicker.

5:25am: Final time that alarm rings, damn.....realisation sets in, this time it's for real dawg.

5:30am: After spending an entire 3 seconds deciding what I'll wear today, I hop in the shower and hope to God that the hot water lasts for at least 10 minutes this time. Scrub all over, oohhh yeah nice n fresh baby!

5:40am: Hop out, stroll (crawl) into the kitchen, chuck two english muffins in the toaster, boil some coffee, make an adequate attempt to keep things quiet.

6am: Thank God for Foxtel, the only way I can get top quality King of the Hill re-runs at this hour of the morning

6:15am: Off to work, turn the key in the ignition....start you bastard, start, don't do this to me today please!

6:20am: If this truck doesn't move into the left hand lane then I'm definitely giving him the finger when I get the chance

6:21am: Ok he's tailgating me....probably shouldn't have done that.

6:40am: I'm here at work, first car in, and yet I lack the backbone necessary to take the best parking spot available.

So there you have it, that's my morning routine.....and now it's ruined!

You see, my brother recently became employed at a hospital (part of his medical degree that he is starting next year) and he as a 4am wake up....yes that's right, 4am....and I thought I had it bad....plus he's working in a hospital....something I definitely could not do!

However the entire routine is destroyed, not because he's around in the morning and I've lost my isolation and peace, but because of certain factors: I don't like being the second person to use the bathroom, particularly the shower, there's already water everywhere, I know this sounds weird but it's just one of my little quirks. Secondly, he's already boilt the water and now it's gone luke warm, I like to boil it fresh, now he's ruined my coffee too! Third of all, he has taken the last english muffin, I have to resort to actually using my brain to prepare a bowl of weet-bix. There are many other factors as well, but they all revolve around food so I won't bore you with the details.

This is why I can't wait for the school holidays to begin. You see, most of you may not know this but all the blood, sweat and tears...yes I've seen lots of tears so far this year, are all paid for when the holidays begin. 6 weeks of not having to put up with snot nosed little punks who don't even know what our nations capital city is. Reports are almost over, and all that negative comment writing will be worth it, it's our revenge on them you see.

So you see, this is what goes through my head in the blink of an eye every single morning. I wake up, can't remember a thing, and then all of a sudden my brain slowly tells me the truth: That job from hell.....remember that one you dreamt about? Well guess what buddy, it wasn't all a bad dream....it was real, you DO have that job. Oh and guess what else? You have to be there in an hours time!

However the one solace I can look forward to, the one consolation, is that tonight, I'll get to sleep by about 9, dream about kicking the winning goal at the world Futsal championships, and then wake up in such a daze, that for that one little millisecond in my life....I'll forget allllll about it.

Have a nice day

Balcatta-Stirling United: 2 and Zip

The start of the Lords Indoor Soccer Summer season has been successful for Balcatta-Stirling United (more so because of the Balcatta side than Stirling) and a 2-0 start with a total of 7 goals for is more reason for us to celebrate.

That's right, Balcatta-Stirling, a spin-off of the semi-successful Chinotto FC is here, and after 2 great weeks of football, they sit on top of the table. This is deserving after a 2-1 win in their first game and especially after last nights tense and fast paced 4-3 victory over one of the other Italian sides in the comp.

After next week I'll try and start getting some match photos out on this blog, especially after we get our uniforms organised (complete with Lions head logo and names).

Friday night is looking more and more like a great night to play the game, especially since match times are reasonable and not too late, so there's always time to have a few celabratory drinks post-match.

I'll keep you updated each week after every game, hopefully we can have more success than the ill-fated Chinotto FC project which failed to capitalise on our offensive talent.

Squad List

GK - P. Casella
Striker/GK - D. Benetti
Striker/Mid - A. Benetti
Left Back/GK - S. Carabetta
Right Back - F. Scarvaci (captain)
Right Back/Mid - A. Carabetta
Striker - Ciullo
Mid - A. Scarvaci
Mid - L. Hunt

Australian SitComs

A random question popped into my head earlier today, 'Why aren't there any more Australian situation comedies?' Remember shows such as Acropolis Now, Hey Dad! and Kingswood Country? Obviously they're completely outdated, (except for Acropolis Now that still cracks me up), but why don't the networks produce them anymore? Why is it that our weeknights are filled with poorly written comedy skit shows and boring reality T.V? Well I say it's time that we stood up as a nation and took back the Aussie SitCom!

I think it's about time that we made our voices heard by network executives and tell them that we want more sitcoms! And we want quality ones.....there have been many really really really really really really really really really really really really really bad ones in the past as well.

Why can't network 10 take all that energy they put into Australian Idol and Big Brother every year and create something original for once. You know like the Aussie version of Seinfeld or Frasier. Why can't someone at 9 stand up to Eddie and let him know that this is what we want? And why can't someone at 7....erm....well I'm sure 7 can do something.

If the creative mind that decided to let a bunch of bogans and bimbos with obvious emotional problems and slight retardation all live together in the same house for months on end and have their every move filmed and then watched by deranged losers in the early hours of the morning in their living room while their heartrate goes up every time they see an ad for a 1900 number, has the will to actually transfer all of that God-foresaken energy that they've been given into something at least more meaningful than watching amateurs be allowed anywhere near a microphone and a stage and beat out an extremely poor live version of My Heart Will Go On, then we'd all have something a lot more worthwhile to watch on the box every single night of the week.

However sitcoms aren't easy to make. You need a successful formula, you need a setting the grips people, you need a storyline that in captivating, you need jokes that are at least as strong as season 5 Married With Children, and you need GOOD WRITERS. However the current lack of anything half decent on television these days would indicate that there aren't many good writers around. So what do we do?

The answer is simple, I have developed the SuperSimmo SitCom Creator. It's simple to use, you see all you have to do is take one of the situations, match it with any setting, throw in some of the characters, as well as a few topical jokes, and there you have it, you've got your SitCom. Now you too can have fun playing around with the development of the next great Australian SitCom!

Settings:
Lygon Street, Carlton
Nimbin, NSW (hippie central)
Northbridge
The back of a Holden Ute
Kim Beazley's intestines
Corner of Poincaire and Jones St, Balcatta (drug central)
50 metres under Uluru

Situations
Suicidal farmer moves in with muslim family living in the city
Macos and Greeks living next door to each other
Serbs and Croats living next door to each other
Any fuckin two ethnic groups living next door to each other
A Noongar family moves into a white aussie family's backyard, claiming rightful ownership
2 Italian families living next door to eachother, try to outdo eachother with their statues
White trash family's 14 year old daughter pregnant, have fun trying to figure out who the dad is

Characters
Barry the aussie
Dom the dago
Angelo the wog
Mr Fairchild (rich snobby bastard with a posh english accent)
Harold the whinging pommy bastard
Stacey the slut

Topical Jokes
centrelink
no dole payments
beer
thongs
ass crack
beer
thongs
beer
bloody dole cheque
those bloody wogs next door

So I hope that there is enough for all of you mix and match with some great ideas. Who knows....maybe a successful pitch might pave the way for the return of the great aussie sitcom!

SuperSimmo - because I love wasting your time as well as mine

Hmmmm very tempting day in the news today to get on my political soapbox....but I won't, I've used up all my sarcasm.

But here are a few things I will go on a rant about.....

Deoderant: Why is it that when a company advertises their product as 'Anti Perspirant' and 'Won't let you down' they do just the opposite. The can was NOT anywhere near anti perspirant, in fact it was PRO-Perspirant. I'm sure that sweat isn't meant to pour off you just after stepping out the door in the morning. And where was it when I needed it? 'Won't let you down?', hey I was let down like a fat chick on a blind date!

I even took the damn can with me to work today. It's so awkward and big that it protruded out of my briefcase. I'm sure now that I've just shared my sweat problem with everyone else at my job. (and now you people reading this here blog)

E-Mail: I don't understand why there are certain colleagues that I work with who insist on communicating EVERY SINGLE DETAIL with me via e-mail. Come on, if you need to let me know something important, ring my damn office! Even better yet, come into my damn office, I might even offer you some skittles, or better yet, some of the scotch I keep in my top drawer....but we won't tell anyone about that now will we?

My Bookshelf: For those of you that know me, I have in my room a rather long bookshelf full of lots of nerdy, educational, and just plain boring books. I've read them all, yet I am now in the predicament of running out of room.

I want to go to the bookstore on Thursday and buy a new book to read (definitely a Pratchett novel) but I don't want to move any of the novels I've got sitting there right now. I don't know what to do seriously it's tearing me apart! I could donate some to charity, but then who ever would end up with them would just find out where I live, rock up to my front door, throw the book at my feet and punch me in the face anyway.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? That's a humorous one there.

Losing Weight: I'm trying hard, I really am, and after spending months and months in denial, I've finally realised the truth: Beer is making me fat! Yes, I'll admit it, yes it's sad but it's true. My favourite drink is what is causing my anguish.....oh the irony....oh the humanity!

And that's the end of that waste of your time

I don't mind summer. I don't mind the heat at all in fact I'm a big fan of the scorching summer days that are about to be experienced. However I do hate one thing, and that is humid, muggy, overcast days such as the one we had today in our fair city of Perth.

To top it off, there was a fire down the road from our school, and as fun as it was to put up with extremely bad body odour courtesy of 13 year olds yet to be introduced to rexona, the smoke did not improve my comfort for the day.

I thought turning on the air conditioner and allowing it to blast fresh, cold oxygen into my office would make it better.....I thought wrong. Smoke always finds a way in, especially through a poorly designed 20 year old air conditioning system.

I just wish the school I taught at was closer to the beach, not 40 kilometres away from the coastline and caught in a valley where hot air enjoys meeting with cold air early in the morning and creating hurricane like hot winds that defeat the purpose of that extra strong hair gel you charged with the mission of holding your hair up and defying all gravity.

I wonder if anyone would mind if I purchased and lugged in a massive fridge to work next Monday. Imagine this, I could place it in my office, just behind my desk where I sit, it could breath cool air onto my back and I could even stick my head in the freezer every now and again. I think I'd get one of those models where you can pour ice and water out of them, that'd be awesome, my office would be the party place for the next few weeks at school, teachers mixing cocktails, having icy cold water, and chilling out by sticking their head in the icy cold freezer.

Ahhhh, a man can only dream

A Late Night Rant

If you have ever mis-heard the lyrics to a song or have sung them out loud and been told that they are completely wrong then go here. For a good laugh, look up songs such as 'Bohemian Rhapsody' and 'Summer of 69'.

Well it's Friday night, it's about 11:51pm, and here I am, self proclaimed king of the nerds sitting at my busted old notebook, typing out yet another blog of useless and complete dribble for the world to spew at. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm here doing this, I mean it could be a lot, lot worse. For instance I could be:

• Leaning on the side of a commodore chatting to other losers at the 24 hour Maccas
• Participating in donuts and burnouts with other interesting folk who make their way to my cul-de-sac
• Watching Hogan's Heroes re-runs on TV1
• Downloading questionable pornographic content containing 3 Mexican women, one man and a donkey

Yet none of this is happening (despite what you've heard, bestiality is definitely NOT cool). Probably because my indoor soccer team just kicked ass tonight in a great match. Probably because it's the weekend and piss-ups are on the way. Probably because I have an 8 inch Cuban cigar sitting here on my desk in perfect humidified condition, just ready and waiting to be cut and puffed. Yes all these things combined create a great mood, especially for someone such as myself who loves his drink and his cigars. If I die of colon, lung, testicular or prostate cancer, then so be it. If I get heart disease, then so be it. If tuberculosis sets in....OK now I'm getting depressed but you see where I'm going with this....don't you?

I mean come on people, we all know that life is way too short. Sure we gotta all work hard and make the best of it, help others, benefit society and be self-giving. But at the same time this doesn't mean that we can't have fun now does it?

If I were a rich man, and I never will be, but if I was, I'd certainly entertain people almost every night, provide food, drink and entertainment for all concerned. Yet I don't have much money and I do need to save it (by the way I am going somewhere with this). So what do I do? Well the answer is simple, all I have to do is keep it simple week by week. Buy cheap Aussie beer (we all know it's the best on Earth) every week. Smoke a cigar every couple of weeks or once a month, I'm not addicted so I CAN go without. And last but not least; just have fun for crying out loud. No more of bullshit nights out where it's too serious and deep and meaningful conversations immerse you. Get out of the rut of complaining and whingeing and just have some fucking fun for crying out loud!

Sorry but this post isn't directed at anyone in particular, or a group of people, or even people in general. It's just me having a little rant about how I feel life should be lived. It's way too short, do the most that you can.

The only problem with this is that some people believe having fun fits into a different bracket to what I do. Their idea of a great night out is to go club-hopping, end up in the most speed and ecstasy filled night clubs, struggle to have a conversation because of the doof-doof, and hit-on sluts that I wouldn't touch with YOUR dick.

I ain't down for that. And I'm sure that there are those people out there who don't go for what I'm into either. I'm quite certain that there are many readers of SuperSimmo who do not enjoy sitting in someones backyard and sinking a few cold ones while listening to AC/DC or Dragon.

Well, to each his own and good luck to you. All I care about at the end of the day, when I've given myself 100% to the community (not like a prostitute will give herself to certain shady members of the community), that I can come home, put my feet up, catch up with my girl or my mates, have a few beers, listen to some music, and just chill the fuck out. Try it, it's great!

You know that state that you get in after you've had about 2 or 3 drinks? You know, the tipsy state? Well not quite tipsy, more happy. It lasts for another 4 or so drinks. By the time you get past your 7th then that drunken feeling begins to kick in. Different people are affected in different ways. Some pass out, some get angry, some get stupid, and some get even more happy. The latter 2 are basically mine. That's why I'm glad I'm the kind of person who can drink without starting a fight or talking complete shit about people. (I talk shit, but I don't lay shit on you)

The point I'm making here is that we are all different. Just like the way we all believe having a good time is defined another way, this is similar to the way alcohol affects us and determines what sort of a night we're going to have. For instance, here are some end results of different kinds of nights that people will have:

Good Night: Either wakes up with a huge hangover but a rather good memory of lots of laughs, stupid events and good times with mates

Bad Night: Wakes up vomit in their mouth, remorseful of their hangover, can't remember much but some bad memories are surfacing such as; 'Why was a garden hose up my ass?'

Interesting Night: You wake up in bed with 2 women, a black dildo, and 3 empty cans of lube....oh yeah, and your ass is quite sore!

What I'm saying is that we can also control what sort of a night we're gonna have. You don't have to be the angry drunk, or the stupid drunk, or the embarrassing drunk. You just have to admit to yourself that you are having fun, relax a little, take it easy and for the love of God, do not mix dark spirits with beer, not a good recipe!

Also here's a good formula to remember for those of you out there who enjoy some herbal remedies:

Beer then Grass and your on your ass

Grass then Beer and your in the clear

Goodnight to you all

Well Written Dialogue in a Galaxy Far Far Away

You don't know the power of the dark side, I must obey my master!

When Luke Skywalker confronted Vader for the final time on the forest moon of Endor, we not only finally got to see the beginning of the final battle, we also had the chance to witness a good old father and son chat.

Think about it, this is the dialogue as it appears in the film.

First of all let's put it into context for all those unfamiliar with the film or the saga in total. Luke, Han, Leia and Chewie are on the moon of Endor, they are there to shut down the shield generator for the new Death Star so that the rebel fleet can destroy it. However all is a trap; Vader and the 'finest legion' are on the moon waiting for them. The Imperial Fleet is surrounding the Death Star, and all the rebel alliance have are a bunch of furry ewoks running around.

Anyway Luke decides to turn himself in to the imperial forces, knowing that Vader will meet him.

In this scene Luke is being escorted as a prisoner to the main entrance of the shuttle where Vader is standing.

One of the Storm Troopers hands Vader Luke's lightsabre, "He was armed with only this",

To which Vader replies "Good work commander, leave us. Conduct your search and bring his companions to me."

Then Vader goes on to say something to the tune of, well done you've constructed a lightsabre, now your training is complete.

This is reminiscent of a dad saying to his son 'good on ya son, you've just built your go-kart, or you've just caught your first fish, today you are a man'.

Luke goes on to say to Vader that he knows there is still good in him, that he knows about his past, who he was. Probably the first person in about 20 years to speak to Vader in this way, because we all know from Empire Strikes Back, what happens to you when you cross the Dark Lord of the Sith.

However, Vader seems to ponder Lukes words, as a father would think about something truthful and honest that his son would say.

Then Luke tries to pursuade Vader to join him (much like Vader persuaded Luke to join him in ESB).

Vader ponders this again, but refuses to yeild saying that he must obey his master, and that Luke doesn't know the power of the dark side.

Luke then goes on to say that he can not be turned, and that Vader will be forced to kill him, to which Vader replies, with slight sadness, "If that is your destiny."

There are parts of this conversation that I've left out, however I can't just turn this into a straight script, just flesh out the dialogue to give you a clue what I'm talking about.

I think it's funny how George Lucas is criticised so much for the bad acting and, at times, lame dialogue in his films. For a director to bring a saga to it's climax by having the two main characters be as open and honest as they are in this scene, and to bring the story close to home by making us see that this is just an ordinary father/son chit-chat, is brilliance.

He has taken two very powerful characters, one completely enigmatic and the other one being the stories hero, and has transformed them into very normal human beings for this one scene, the one scene before the final battle commences.

This scene is just one of the reasons that I love Star Wars. Not only the films, but the comic books, novels, computer games and animated series. It's a story that can show us super human beings with larger than life personas. At the same time, we see them as normal people, with everyday problems, with relationships and family.

However this isn't the only reason that I'm completely obsessed with that Galaxy Far Far Away, but I won't get into the reasons because I'll end up being here typing all day long, and it's already been a very long day.

So until next time, and at the risk of sounding like an absolute nerd, May the Force be With You!

Comment Replies, Festivals, and Local Music

First off, I'd like to reply to a comment that was posted on this blog earlier today regarding my 'Simmo's Guide To Pissin It Up' bit.

You can read the comment at the bottom of that relevant post, however I'd like to make my little reply first. First of all, I know who the writer of that comment is and I know what incident they are referring to. However I should remind them that I would appreciate it if all comments on here could be placed into context as some readers might not have a clue what he's talking about, (there are other people who read this not necessarily within my circle of friends, SuperSimmo is more widespread than you think.)

Secondly, I do make attempt to publish all comments that are posted. That being said, I would appreciate it if SuperSimmo's readers could at least write more than just one sentence and at least make a coherent statement.

Excuse my attitude today but I've been at an education conference all day and have only had two coffees.

Now that the unpleasantries are out of the way....

Help Wanted
I'm looking for talented and creative individuals (because I lack both qualities) to assist me with developing content for my website over the next 3 months. This isn't just because I can't handle it on my own (although that isn't far from the truth) but because I believe that good comedy should be written by a team - it creates diversity, it creates varied opinion, and finally it creates more pissed off visitors to the site.

Individuals should have knowledge (or alternatively, absolutely no knowledge) of Australian politics. They should be the kind of person who immediately fills with rage whenever they hear commercial radio, and last but not least, they should be able to laught at THEMSELVES. Sense of humour is the key here people.

So please, for the love of God, someone reply otherwise I'll have to resort to placing an ad in Xpress just like a band looking for their next bass player.

Big Day Out '07
Right now I'm faced with the conundrum of deciding whether or not to use my hard earned cash to purchase a ticket to the BDO. I know that every east coast event is completely sold out (since chili peppers are headlining), however I believe more tix are still available here. The last time I went was in 2000 and chili peppers headlined then as well, the one and only time I've seen them live (sad I know), and it was fuckin great. I'll welcome anyones vote here, should I go or not? email your answer to: simtillating@hotmail.com

Getting away from festivals now and looking at up-coming concerts, Pearl Jam are once again in the country and will be playing here in Perth in a couple of weeks. Being the intelligent individual that I am, I purchased 2 tickets back in April and can not wait. The last time I got to see them live was in '98 and it rocked the absolute shit out of me (I don't know if anyone else has had the rock shat out of them but it's a great feeling).

Triple J now in the spotlight
It's a well known fact that every great Aussie rock group over the past 20 years has had their start on JJJ Radio. Bands such as; Silverchair, Living End, Grinspoon, John Butler Trio, The Whitlams, Eskimo Joe, Jebediah, Powderfinger, You Am I, Kiss Chasey, End of Fashion, WolfMother, The SuperJesus, Screaming Jets just to name but a few!

However most people forget this or don't know it at all. The latter group are those teeny-boppers who don't even know if the FM dial goes past 93.7. These are the same people who immediately went out and brought Gnarls Barkley's single 'Crazy' yet don't realise that it was first played on JJJ ONE YEAR before it was even heard on commercial radio. Coincidentally, these are the same people who think that Gnarls Barkley is a person.

Let's fast forward a little bit to this years ARIA awards. Let's face it, all music awards shows are a farce, however I was interested in this year's because it was filled with nominees of regular JJJ groups. Eskimo Joe, Wolfmother and that South Aussie hip hop group known as Hilltop Hoods (who I saw live back in 2001, again before they made it into the mainstream). Now I don't listen to hip hop much anymore, only artists like Kanye and Jay Z (who are gods) and some local stuff. However I was extremely happy when one of the MC's gave a shout-out to JJJ, saying that it is the only radio station 'that plays Australian music because it wants to, not because it has to.'

That one sentence summed up what JJJ is all about, and what Aussie radio should be: Supporting quality local artists and groups because they want to see them gain exposure.

Currently, media laws in Australia state that commercial music radio stations must play a certain percentage of local talent. However I believe it is a very small percentage and what these stations do is play the bare minimum (except for WA's 96FM which constantly plays 'Cold Chisel's greatest hits' on loop).

The only problem after these groups get their initial exposure, is that they soon become more popular and have their posters lining the walls of those very same teeny-boppers who listen to Nova.

However in this hip hop/rnb/dance/emo infested world, they'll soon be forgotten and replaced by the next pretty boy rnb group or emo band.

So what can you do? Nothing much, however I have come up with one idea. This is now a call to all readers of SuperSimmo. Even if you are not a regular listener, or aren't interested in JJJ at all, I'm asking you very nicely that for at least 1 minute tomorrow when your in the car or at home or in the office, turn the dial of your radio past 93 and make it as far as 99 (please don't put it anywhere near 101 as they don't deserve even a pig listening to their station.) At least for one minute listen to some local or international alternative music, experience something different for once. You never know, you might even enjoy it!

And to finish up with for today, while we're on the local music topic, my good mates are playing live at the Floreat Hotel tonight from 9pm. So if your in the area or aren't too far away, I insist on going and enjoying a pint while checking out 2 very talented local musicians.

That's all folks.

Coming Soon - New Website

Yes that's right, after a successful stint in blog form, the creative genius behind SuperSimmo will be developing a website full of bad jokes, old cliches, toilet humour and piss-taking...you know, the kind of stuff that you can expect from me at the moment.

This completely useless waste of bandwidth will include:

A twice-weekly online comic strip

Bad movie and music reviews

A weekly 'piss on the celebrity' column

Exclusive fake interviews with famous people that never actually took place

Message boards so we can all flame eachother

Exclusive videos (no home movies)

plus

An exclusive column written daily by my good friend and former 1980's glam metal rocker - Ace G.G. Deville

Developing websites (even those that are absolute pieces of shit) takes a long time and a lot of hard work is required, so it won't be out until mid to late January, however I'll keep all you bastards posted.

Simmo's Guide To Pissin It Up

It's a cliched event in the Aussie lifestyle, but most of us do it, especially those semi-alcoholics among us. Yet most of us can't do it right! Well stress no further, Simmo is here to guide you through in a step-by-step process of what do at a night in the pub.

Step 1 - Before heading out: Make sure you've already consumed about 3 pints, think about your hip pocket before thinking about your liver. If you're driving, ensure that you've studied a map that gives you all the back streets and and laneways to get home so you can avoid any law enforcement officials.

Ensure that your attire is appropriate and fits the standard of the hotel your frequenting. As most publicans will employ gentlemen who will ask you politely not to enter, this is important to check.

If you don't have the time required to ensure that clothing is decent or appropriate, most hotels have a back entrance, usually through a TAB lounge, where yourself and your chums can enter through.

Step 2 - Getting there: There is no right way to get to your local drinking spot, however a wrong decision would be to pack everyone together into the same automobile. The reason? It's simple: Drunken Sing-A-Longs. Sometimes they are suitable, however most of the time they can become irritating to those of us who are not in the same state of innebriation yet. If, however, the group does come to the consensus that sing-a-longs are fine, then ensure they are something decent such as Winger or Guns 'n' Roses.

If there appear to be those of the female gender riding in the same car and room is scarce, it is quite innapropriate for a male acquaintance to 'feel them up'. However it is appropriate to blame it on another person or the fact that the driver of the automobile is turning corners rather fast.

Step 3 - Upon entrance: There are several ways to enter an establishment together, each one will set the tone for the evening:

The Eye Contact with Wife-Beater - This will ensure that you and your chums will be followed, stared down and threatened physically or verbally by another patron for the entire evening.

The 'Hardcore' gang entrance - As a group, walk in at the same time, Tarantino slow motion style. This will ensure that you and your chums gain the status of try-hard for the evening.

The 'Already fucked off my tits' entrance - As a group, or rather not as a group, stagger through the door, bump into the nearest game of pool, hopefully fucking up another persons shot, and stumble to the bar where you repeat your drink order many times due to nonsensical mumbling, to the point where the bar waitress gives you a weak smile and moves on.

Step 4 - Ordering Beverages: In Australia it is compulsory for each man or woman in the group to buy a round of drinks. Usually this happens in turns while one person receives the orders from the others. However there are those of us who un-coincidentally disappear or become busy with other matters or receive phone calls when it is their turn. To prevent this from happening, a swift and polite back-hand to the back of said person's head will remind them of their obligation and duty to the rest of the group.

When ordering, please attempt to be as clear and concise as possible. The bartender or bar waitress will be expecting you to be so as well. If it is physically impossible for you to utter anything cohesive to the publican or their staff, then pointing is allowed. Pointing is not considered rude in a hotel unless you are indicating the top-heavy endowment of a female patron, especially if it is to their significant other.

If you are able to order, then make sure you do not suffer embarrasment by requesting a drink for yourself that is intended for someone of the opposite sex, for example.

Female Drinks:
Anything with Vodka in it
Bacardi Breezers
Fruity Cocktails
Light Beer
Midori
Wine (white or red)

Male Drinks:
Any beer that isn't light
Bundy Rum
Jonny Walker
Jim Beam
Jack Daniels
Pretty much anything else that isn't a white spirit or sounds homosexual

Step 5 - Seating arrangements: There will be a point where a large group will tire of standing around and be forced to find a table big enough to accomodate them. If you are a small group then this could be slightly easier, yet it all depends on the business of the establishment. Therefore it is highly recommended that each person park their derriere immediately upon entrance and that arrival to the hotel be early in the evening. Please ignore all spilt liquids and suspicious sticky fluids still inhabiting the table, it is ignorance that leads to complete bliss in a drinking establishment.

Step 6 - Playing darts or pool: A decent hotel will provide amenities such as a dartboard or pool tables. If this is the case, ensure that you and your group take possession of either one of these, or both. They can provide hours of pointless entertainment and make the night more memorable. A badly hungover individual will still be in a victorious mood the next morning while their head is buried deep in a porcelain bowl.

Step 7 - Music: Let's be honest here, the only good music that is played at a drinking establishment is rock music. It is especially good if the music is provided via live musicians. These talented youngsters will provide the ambience and mood that will make the night much more enjoyable, however there are rules to be followed when 'rocking out' as well:

Rule 1 - Don't do the \m/ sign with your hands unless you are sure that others around you are as innebriated as you are.

Rule 2 - Don't request songs out loud when you very well know that you can't be heard by musicians.

Rule 3 - Do not be led under the impression that your dance moves are impressing the female patron whom you have had your eye on all evening.

Follow these rules and you will be ensured a happy night.

Step 8 - Getting ready to leave: There are a number of ways that a hotel will hint to it's patrons that it is time to leave. The first and traditional way is for the publican to ring the bell that signifies 'last drinks'. You will then have about 10 minutes in which to make your way to the bar, order a round, throw the beverage down your throat in less than a minute, and then stagger out.

The second method is much more subtle. It requires the many staff employed at the establishment, to busily move over to your table as many times as they can in 5 minutes and clean it up with an old rag. This hint should work after a few rounds, however if your group is still unaware of the intented warning, then a nice yet heavily set man will politely ask 'you and your bloody mates' to leave.

Step 9 - Driving home: As said earlier in this piece, it is important to realise how to get home via the backstreets. It is also important to realise just how consumed you are by the alcohol you have consumed (haha a little joke). Forget the breath-testers that are placed in most hotels these days, you can partake in your own test before getting behind the wheel of your automobile.

Before entering your vehicle, ask a friend to insult you to the point where their tounge is in flames. If each insult goes over your head or leaves you in a fit of laughter, then you are far too drunk to even start your vehicle and another driver must be selected from the group.

Another test is to attempt to count from 1 to 10 and then from 10 to 1. If you get one or two numbers out of order then that is OK, however if you begin to recite nursery rhymes from when you were four years old, then you are far from sober.

The best test is to actually find your car in the first place. If you and your chums are wandering the car park until 5am searching for your vehicle, then that is a sure sign that you are all far too innebriated to drive, especially if every other vehicle has left, and especially if you have ended up in the car park of Coles.



So there you have it folks, the 9 steps to a successful night out your local drinking establishment. Remember to always follow each step to the letter, ensuring that your night of alcohol consumption and bad jokes is an enjoyable and memorable occasion, even though you won't remember a thing the next morning.

Super Simmo - sloppy seconds edition

A clear example of what gets published when creativity goes to shit

Hi and welcome back to another sloppy seconds edition of Super Simmo where we bring you non-stop mediocrity and misinformation.

First of all, on a sad note I'd like to send my commiserations out of the family and friends of Wally Foreman who I just heard passed away 2 hours ago due to complications after a heart attack. The WA sporting community will be in deep mourning after his passing away.

Wally attended the same gym that both my brother and myself go to regularly and uncannily enough, my brother arrived there early on Tuesday morning just as Wally was being lifted into the ambulance after suffering a heart attack on the treadmill.

My heart goes out to everyone who was close to him. (Pity Wally can't say the same thing)

On this day in history:

2003 - Saddamm Hussein escapes custody of US marshalls and hides amongst a touring 80's Glam Metal band, however he is soon re-captured after refusing to play 'Rock You Like a Hurricane' on stage in Berlin.

2000 - The Socceroos become disenchanted that they missed out on yet another Euro Cup, however their despair is alleviated when they realise that they don't understand what tectonic plates are.

1999 - Kosovo is 'cleansed' (I'm gonna cop it for that one)

1981 - Chuck Mangione finally shoves his trumpet up his rear end

1915 - Australian diggers attempt to play a friendly game of cricket against Turkey in 'no mans land', however bad light stops play short on day one, Turkey gets pissed off and resumes shooting, Australia quicky gives them the finger and jumps back in the trench

1888 - Phrophets of doom predict the end of the world, saying that 1888 is an upside down 1888

1215 - The Magna Carta is confused with a napkin and is destroyed at King Johns dinner party, he quickly proceeds to order his guards to beat the living shit out of every commoner present seeing as now they are not 'protected'

22 AD - JC is responsible for a huge piss-up and a lot of hangovers after turning 20 litres of water into wine at a wedding

9000 BC - Gorag beats Ogg in a game of Club The Head

What not to say at the dinner table
Being raised in a large family, it becomes a mission sometimes when you have a big relly bash and dozens of people you hardly talk to come over to eat your food at your table. Well a lot has been said and done in this hostile and tense environment over the years, some of the following quotes have been told to me by others over the years and some have even happened in my very own house. Let's take a look at what not to say when these occassions arise:

1 - "Gee your developing some nice boobs there" This one is 100% REAL. A friend I went to uni with told me that this is what one of her uncles told her sister at her 16th birthday party.

2 - "Whenever I see aboriginals, I fucking shit myself" OK very bad this one, unfortunately it was said by an unnamed uncle of mine after having a few too many beers at a BBQ about 10 years ago. Very unforgettable.

3 - "So...everyone...um...I'm gay" When your surrounded by about 50+ relatives, you should know it's probably not the best time to come out of the closet.

4 - "I'm pregnant" This one is cool if you're a reasonable age and either in a relationship or married, probably not so great if your 15 and don't know who the father is. Very disturbing for everyone if you're a guy.

5 - "This food tastes like shit...seriously it actually tastes like actual shit" Not proud of this one but I have said it personally at a family function, luckily only a handful of people overheard me and were in agreement.

6 - "Get a job you fuckin loser" Not the smartest thing to say but that same friend from uni told me this one as well a few years ago, quite funny if you weren't there.

7 - "So....hit puberty yet?" Seriously if you're an adult and struggle to find something to make conversation about with young teens, just don't try it at all then!

8 - "So....got your period yet?" Same deal!

9 - "Sam shut up, John Howard is a fuckhead, all the Liberals are fuckheads" My dad talking to one of my uncles, a good example of why politics shoud never be discussed at parties

10 - "Please, SHUT - THE -FUCK - UP" Fortunately there are more polite ways to get annoying relatives to be quiet, unfortunately this one is the only effective method

Well that's all I have time for today, which actually means I do have time but really can't be bothered. See you all real soon.....