Yes, I do.
Any future biographies, documentaries and 'Why Always Me?' memorabilia, anyone else can have. But this is mine.
Picture this:
Mario Balotelli - The Musical.
It already screams operatic masterpiece right from the onset.
Mario Balotelli - A Musical.
Mario Balotelli - The Opera!
For those of you who don't know who I'm talking about, he's the football player whose face lines the background of this very blog. Why have I used his image? Because for the same reason that I'm writing this very article right now: He is a legend. He is a myth. He is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery.
He is - Super Mario.
If you'd like a quick run down, so far in his career he has played for two major European clubs, has a number of caps for the Italian national team and has just plain fucked shit up like a boss!
What do I mean by that? Well you can take a look for yourself at some of the on-pitch events that have made him the man that he is, and the boy that we all love (and wish we were).
Balotelli - JUST - NOT - GIVING- A - FUCK
Here are just some of his off-pitch events that have made him a household name:
Had his car impounded 27 times
Spotted wearing a crazy chicken hat on his way to the Manchester City change rooms with a straight look on his face
Went to a women's prison with his younger brother, to have a look around, unaware that you need special permission to visit a prison
Threw water balloons at a camera crew during a Serie A meeting
Threw darts at fans
Then there is also this:
And this
And finally, this
'Why Always Me?' asked his t-shirt that he just happened to be wearing in a match against Manchester United. Why always you, Mario? That's the question that we're all asking.
Well if that's the question, then we need to look even further back in his career, to a time when he was playing for Internazionale (greatest football team in the world) and he appeared on live Italian television wearing an AC Milan jersey. A cardinal sin in the world of football, especially in Italy, and especially in Milan.
It's acts like this that have gone on to make Super Mario the footballer that he is today - one who we sometimes are so completely frustrated with on the pitch for so long, but then he makes us laugh with his boyish personality. And then, he redeems himself with some of the best plays of all time:
Now, well know why you came here and why you're reading this, all 3 of you. So without further ado, here's just a small summary of what will take place in the single greatest musical of all time:
WHY ALWAYS ME? - THE MARIO BALOTELLI STORY
Act 1 - Scene 1
The curtain raises, we see a small Ghanaian boy struggling to breathe, his mother and father come out, panicking, asking for help.
"Who will help our boy?" They shout.
Suddenly, another man and woman enter the stage - "We will take your son" They proclaim. The Italian flag drops in the background -
cue the song: You'll Be Italian, My Son
The young boy, Mario, begins playing with firecrackers while the song is being played.
Scene 2
Roberto Mancini walks up to greet Mario with a contract - The Inter Milan logo drops and replaces the Italian flag.
Song: I'll Dress You In Black And Blue
Mancini exits the stage and Jose Mourinho enters accompanied by sinister music - he is wearing a black cape, as if a vampire.
Scene 3
Balotelli is relegated to the Inter bench and becomes frustrated. He decides that from here on he will do what he wants if he can't get his own way.
Television cameras and journalists all surround Mario as he throws off his Inter jersey and puts on a Milan one. Everyone gasps in shock and Mourinho comes back on stage angry and shouting at Mario.
Song: Che Cazzo Vuoi Mourinho? (what the fuck do you want Mourinho?)
Scene 4
Mancini comes back on stage and hands another contract to Mario. He is hesitant but then he strips off his Milan jersey and puts on a Manchester City one. Men dressed in traditional Saudi costumes come running out on stage and begin throwing copious amounts of money at Mario.
Song: Cashed Up With The Emirates
Intermission
During intermission a group of dancers take to the stage and begin throwing rubber darts at audience members.
Act 2
Scene 5
Mario takes to the stage by himself, suddenly he is surrounded by men in Manchester United uniforms - a football lands at his feet and he strikes it towards stage right. A loud cheer comes up from the crowd watching at the back of the stage - Mario takes off his jersey to reveal 'Why Always Me?'
Song: Why Always Me?
Scene 6
Mancini begins getting frustrated with Mario's off-field behaviour. Meanwhile, Mario plays with some firecrackers and inadvertently starts a fire in his own house. It burns down.
Song: Playing With Fire
Scene 7
All seems lost - Mario is again relegated to the bench, he is out of favour with fans and with his teammates. Then, all of a sudden, Cesare Prandelli enters the stage. He carries an Italian national team jersey to Mario and welcomes him to the squad.
Song: You'll Be Italian, My Son (Reprise)
Act 3
Scene 8
Mario is struggling to find his place in the Italian squad. However, after one match he finds his feet and then begins scoring and playing his best.
He delivers a heartfelt speech in which talks about how postmen do their job but never celebrate, which is why he never celebrates.
Song: The Postman Only Delivers
During the score, he rips off his shirt and flexes his muscles while the rest of the Italian team dance around him.
Scene 9
Italy have lost the final to Spain, but Mario feels more confident and happy in his career. He talks about how he can't wait to get back to Manchester to continue 'delivering the mail'. Mancini, Prandelli, his parents and all his teammates join him on stage for the finale as firecrackers go off in the background. Balotelli is handed a bib and he finally gets it on without any trouble.
Song: Super Mario (to the tune of the Super Mario Bros. theme music)
End show
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