The 5 Ugliest Uniforms In The History Of Sport

Ah, sport. There is no better medium for escape from the banal and day-to-day collection of events that is your life. Although, I hear that sex is pretty good, too.

When it comes to leaning back in the armchair and indulging in a nice beverage, nothing beats having your eyes and ears temporarily glued to the concept of two rival opponents, sometimes made up of teams, sometimes an individual against another, sometimes it's simply watching a washed up footballer attacking an even  more washed up ex-footballer.

Back in times of old, when beating women wasn't a sport just confined to the Chris Brown's of the world, groups of men would also beat each other and wrestle to claim dominance. Yes, I totally made that shit up, but then again, there's got to be some point in history, where some pre-historic society decided that this was a great way to settle disputes. And if the UFC is any indication of our evolutionary past, then I think I may be correct.

The one thing that has always fascinated me about professional sports, any sport for that matter, is the uniforms worn by the teams. Now, we know that when it comes to national teams, the colours usually have relevance, like it may have been the official colours of that country's former royal family, or the the colours of their flag, or it's the same shade of blood that the natives kicked the colonialists asses with before succumbing to smallpox. Whatever the reason, there is relevance.

Not so much when it comes to professional club sports as we'll see now.

5 - Brown and Yellow - used by: Denver Broncos, NFL (throwback) and Hawthorn Hawks, AFL

Unless you have watched countless hours of ESPN and the overbearing, smug voice of Stephen A. Smith haunts you in your dreams at night, then you wouldn't know what a throwback uniform is. Throwbacks are what sports marketing departments come up with when they have just pulled in an all-nighter and the delivery man has finally arrived with the cocaine.

Throwbacks are big, very big in the NFL and have made their way into numerous other sports where reliving the 1970's has become a confusing priority.

One of the worst of these pre-graphic design era uniforms was the one used by the Denver Broncos in 2009. A throwback is a salute to the history and culture of the team. This was more of a salute to what you leave behind in a toilet.

I'd love to tell you what's going on here, but I can't because NFL

If you think that's bad then you should take a look at an Australian Rules football team who uses these two colours all the time. Hawthorn, one of the inner suburbs of Melbourne, has had to put up with their club representing this horrible colour combination since the very inception of the club.

Pictured: Another overwhelming case that evolution is fact

4 - Manchester United, EPL 1992 Away Kit

Arrrrrrgh! My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

This was the actual, very much real jersey that United wore as their away uniform until 1994. That means, that for at least two seasons for Premier League football, this kit was donned close to 40 times. That's 40 times that fans would have either been blinded or thought that they were at a Wham! concert in the 80's.

3 - Denver Nuggets, NBA 1981-85

For anyone who doesn't know, the Nuggets live right up to their namesake - they are the perpetual whipping boys of the NBA and, for about 4 years in the 80's, they were also the aesthetic laughing stocks.

I've never been there, but the people of Denver must have some obsession with colour clashes. Either that or the entire city is under some sort of gypsy curse.

... Sorry... I just had an Atari flashback

Not only is the colour combination the only thing possible that could make your eyes scream, but the graphic on the front is baffling. What's going on here? Is this some homage to the Rocky Mountains, or is it a 1970's arcade machine ingeniously grafted onto the uniform. If so, then I'm getting me one of these!

2 - Pink With Stars - used by Sydney Sixers, T20 Big Bash League (cricket) and Juventus, Serie A

I'm sorry, but when your uniform makes you and your team members look like you just got eliminated off Dancing With The Stars then it's time you reconsidered it.

Either that or each of their appendices are glowing

This particular uniform wouldn't be so bad if only they'd left out the stars. What, if any, significance can that obvious afterthought have with this team? If you aren't yet convinced that this team has problems, then read a statement from their website:

"If you love the glitz and glamour of the harbour city, then the Sixers are the team for you. They don’t shy away from aiming to be the team that everyone else wants to be. Their uniforms are bright but that’s the way they want it. They’ll be loud and proud on and off the field."

Then there is Juventus from Italy's Serie A. Their current away kit, which they began wearing last season, is probably the only rival to the Sydney Sixers in way of flamboyance in sport.

In Italy, this is also how you officially come out of the closet

1 - Every Single Chelsea Away Jersey From The 90's

I don't need to say much, just look at the following:

First of all, there was this:

Also designed on a Commodore computer

Then there was this:

Designed on an Amiga this time

Also this:

Commodore no longer wanted to be associated with an inferior product... in the 90's... which says something

But the grandaddy of them all has to be this one:

Go ahead, John Terry. You try and pick up your mate's wife by wearing this!

SuperSimmo enjoys watching his Football with a Carlsberg in one hand and a fine cuban in the other. He also likes cigars. You can follow him @SiCar on Twitter