The date that a show by the name of Beverly Hills 90210 aired its 48th episode titled Things to do on a Rainy Day.
In what is now known as D-Day for television, this date will forever live on as the single moment that the medium was given its last rites and finally rolled over into infinite slumber - doomed to deliver us nothing but purgatorial desperation-driven trash from then on.
This is the ultimate moment when all hope in television serials became completely lost. Sure, there have been glimmers of some kind of hope ever since, but they too always seem to fade out, delivering only but a promise of what kind of redemption might come, but never eventuates.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the episode in question, or even the program itself (bless you, my child) you are in for quite a treat. You see, this is a very good history lesson today. We can see from the inside out, how a television show so desperate to stay current and 'hip' with its audience, succumbed to the absolute lowest common denominator. Not that it hadn't flirted with this kind of thing before, but it was at this point that all bets were off on the camp direction that this show had taken and that absolutely nothing good could ever be expected of it again.
Except for Steve Sanders' hair - you simply can't put a price on that
The episode starts off normally, just like every other one - Brandon attempts to pout a record number of times while performing his dialogue, Brenda acts like a complete bitch (on and off camera), Dylan tries to outdo Brandon's record, and David Silver tries to keep himself from dancing at every minute like Vanilla Ice's lobotomised clone.
So everything's pretty much normal at this stage. The entire premise of the episode is pretty much explained within the imaginative title that it was given by some incredibly creative CBS staff members. The whole town (that's Beverly Hills in case you didn't know) is subdued by heavy rain. Now, since the program takes place within the greater Los Angeles area, heavy rain would be classed as a natural disaster, so naturally everybody is 'majorly bummed out' in 90's speak.
A group of native 90's language speakers, dressed in the traditional costume of their culture
So the various characters decide on what to do to pass the time - Steve and Dylan are bored at Brandon's house, so they decide to do what any teenager with money would do in that situation - invite a stripper to their house (which, geographically speaking, could be just about any female living in their city).
Now, what makes their story in this episode even lamer than that, is the fact that they pay her to visit, and then get 'majorly bummed out' by her back story, that they no longer want her to strip for them. They suddenly realise "hey dude, she's like, a person, too!" so all the fun has been sucked out of the day.
Note: Sucking the fun out your day usually costs a bit extra in the back room
So in continuing along on the realms of realism, the three teenage males with a bit of money, and at the height of puberty, just have a deep and meaningful conversation with the attractive female stripper in her 20's.
Pictured: More realistic
Yet, that story isn't even the worst part of this entire episode. No. We have the other half of our gang - David, Donna, Brenda and Kelly - who all go simultaneously deaf and decide that the group Color Me Badd (the extra d was thrown in because they're extra bad!) plays good music. David (using his obscure contacts from within the music industry, because, you know, he's into music and everything) finds out the name of the hotel that they're staying at while they're in town and plans to stalk them.
This is where the episode gets bizarre. You see, not only do we have a plot where these kids are now scheming and lying their way through the hotel to catch a glimpse of a boy band, that in less than one year will be forgotten by almost everybody, including the show's producers, but we also get a personal look at this band and can totally see how they totally act and like, their personalities, dude, they're like, so down to earth, it's bodacious, bro.
In one scene, we see Mark - the member with just enough testosterone in his system to actually grow facial hair (or his version of facial hair, anyway) is making his way through the halls of the hotel to a vending machine, because, again, he's like so totally down to earth and everything.
He them bumps into Kelly Taylor, who at this point has already been mistaken for a groupie. Now let me get this straight - a young female, hanging out at a hotel hoping to meet a band... correct me if I'm wrong but If I googled the word 'groupie' I'm sure that the first part of the description might match up. Anyway, Mark instantly decides that she's cool and can, like totally come and chill with band... if you know what I mean. Oh, wait, no one knows what I mean because Mark and the rest of the band treat her with complete respect when she comes back to the room. So, on top of the fizzled-out stripper set from earlier, we now have a young boy-band in a hotel room with a teenage girl and they treat her like absolute gentlemen, because realism.
Pictured: Color Me Badd
It gets worse.
Much, much worse.
You see, during this segment, Donna also finds that out that at the very same hotel where her and her meddling teenage friends are stalking a semi-talented vocal group, her mother is also using one of the rooms to do the horizontal tango with someone that isn't Donna's father. Distraught and like, totally like, upset and stuff, Donna spends the next few minutes angry, sad, bitter, sad again and then like totally angry again, bro.
David, her musically talented and like totally into the music scene and everything, boyfriend tries to console her, but because he's a 15 year old boy, and because he spends the better part of the first season perving on and stalking a girl who would eventually become his step sister, this completely fails.
But, wait! What's this? It seems our very talented and like totally hunky boy-band heroes have now decided to show us how more down to earth they really are and they've visited the very same diner, The Peach Pit, that these crazy kids loiter in for just about every single episode.
What continues is the exact pin pointed moment where we witness television as we knew it dying. Painfully. Slowly.
Excruciatingly
As a way to console her (and the gang, because they've all like totally had a bad day) they give them all free backstage passes to their show. A show which just happens to be starting that very night, in mere minutes. Then, the most painful, stroke-inducing incident of all time.
The group decides to serenade Donna in the fashion of creepy older men singing to 16 year old girls all over the world.
To make it worse, much worse. Halfway through the song Mark begins talking to Donna in Spanish. Now, most of us who don't speak that language probably don't understand what he's saying to her, but from the way he's talking and that extremely creepy look in his eyes, one can only deduce that in most countries it would land him in jail for saying them to a 16 year old girl.
The word 'creepy' in Spanish is simply making this face
What makes this scene even more awkward is the way that the kids all stand around... well awkwardly, while the group sings. The weirder thing is that everyone else in the diner just accepts the fact that a popular boy band of the time simply just walked through the door and decided to sing - again, on the very same night that they have a concert on.
You can see more obsession for 90's culture by following @SiCar on Twitter.
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