During my wife's pregnancy, there were many hundreds of books thrown at us that all had their own advice to give on what life would be like once the baby came. Everything from losing sleep each night right through to which hand gun would fit better in your mouth. Believe it or not though, we had a fairly smooth time once our little guy had come along - 12 hours of sleep every night, good daily routines, fed well - it was as if we'd won the baby lottery.
If only...
Now, that was when we had a baby.
We no longer have a baby. We are now in possession of a toddler. A grabby, very quick, fast-learning, walking-on-their-own-two-feet toddler.
The most proprietary people in this world are not business owners, they are those aged 18 to 36 months, and they are LOUD. Everything in every single room in, not only our home, but everyone else's home, belongs to them. If it is not in their possession within a certain time-frame (anywhere from the time they see it to 1 second) then small isolated tribes in the Amazon will hear them. Our son is no exception to this painful and very cruel joke of a rule.
So, as we have a young guy about to enter the second year of his life, I've noted down a few of the things that we no longer have. This is a list of everything that toddler will take from you, on top of sucking out your very soul for all of eternity. Enjoy!
3 - Intimacy
This is pretty much a given the very minute you bring a new-born home. Those with infants can relate, but what you're not really told often is that the older they get, the less sexy time you're gonna have with your partner.
A new-born will rob you of your sleep if they feed all the time, however a toddler will not just cry at night, they will get out bed, bang on their door until they have your attention, and then they will do the unholiest thing imaginable. They will come into your room.
Get in your bed with you.
Laugh and giggle all night long at you.
Grab your nose.
Not sleep!
So, you've just had any intimate moment with your partner completely thrown out of the bedroom window, what next?
Well, any other chance that the two of you might get will be taken away from you as well.
Get a moment while they're having an afternoon nap? You're too tired from trying to get them to sleep in the first place!
The first few minutes after they've gone to bed at night? You're too tired from trying to feed them and then trying to put them to sleep.
The moment after you both wake up in the morning? You look at each other and remember what led to you having the toddler in the first place!
That's right, honey. You stay fully clothed.
2 - Dinner Parties
I've mentioned before how social occasions are not what they used to be. When you have a child, they change a hell of a lot. When you have a toddler, they completely disappear.
Think about this. How many times have you been able to have your couple friends over for a nice dinner and some wine, indulge in conversation, perhaps indulge in more than that one glass?
Some of us have been here
Now, how many times have you done this with a 2 year old in the room?
Experts often say, (and I'm good at typing on my computer so that makes me an expert like every other blogger in the world) that social gatherings tend to decline after you have a baby. Perhaps it's your busy schedule that now revolves around them that has done it, perhaps it's your friends themselves who have decided that you're no longer any fun when you're not passed out on the floor in your underpants and penises drawn on your face.
We've ALL been here
Whatever the reason may be, it doesn't matter, because those days are also gone. To make it worse, the more of your friend couples that end up having kids, the less become involved. That's bad news for those without kids who begin to resort to quiet dinners at home by themselves.
The good news is, as soon as those other couples all start having kids of their own, then the dinner dates all begin again, only this time it's a little different.
How different?
VERY different
For those of you who grew up with a big family, that's what is known universally as the kids' table. It's life's cruellest joke for all involved, especially the kids who are sitting at it.
As for the adults. Well, the minute there's the sound of any kind of problem coming from the kids' table, this is what happens to the adults' table.
Records in land-speed have been broken in these situations
I guess the best you can hope for now is to become one of this weirdos that spends more time simulating their social life via The Sims as a way to stop from going completely crazy. Hang on, say goodbye to solution as well, because...
1 - All personal hobbies and recreation
I used to be a pretty good athlete. During high school I played a number of sports as well as competed in triathlons, athletics carnivals, cross-country running and almost anything else that required me being 30 kilos lighter than I am today.
As well as requiring motivation, less complacency, mediocrity etc
Up until a few years ago, I was still competing regularly on weekends and going to the gym as well. I'm also quite the nerd as well so I enjoyed reading Discworld novels during my free time and playing an assorted range of MMORPG's.
That has since changed as well.
Any free time I once had to play a 40 minute game of indoor soccer, or lift weights at the gym or even be called 'fucking n00b' by some 13 year old in Texas while playing C.O.D has since gone.
Even while writing this, I'm frantically typing at somewhere between the speed of hurry-the-fuck-up to -jesuschristithinkicanhearhimwakingup so I can get this published before my son wakes up from his afternoon nap.
My point is, you rarely get a moment to do the things that you enjoyed outside of changing nappies, potty training and trying to ignore tantrums.
As a side note - I love my son very much. Although for comedic purposes (well, my version of comedic) I've exaggerated a lot of this, life is still very good and I wouldn't change a thing!
You can see more whinging about life by following @SiCar on Twitter
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