I know that 3 months ago it was Spring. I realise that particular time of year brings on plenty of nasal ailments, the most severe being hay fever. I realise that a fairly large percentage of the population suffer from hay fever and that it effects individuals differently, from red, scratchy eyes, to uncontrollable sneezing, to yes - blocked noses. Blocked noses that cause people to sniff from time to time.
That was 3 months ago. Spring is now over - cut grass shouldn't be affecting you like it did 3 months ago! Stop sniffing.
OK - I'll be subtle about it, here's some tissues. I'll just take them from the left side of the front of my desk and push them slowly onto the right side so that they are close to you. Hey, don't even worry bout asking for one, just take it, they're there for the entire office to enjoy, so go nuts.
Don't even have to thank me. Seriously, it's nothing. I know I took the initiative to pay for them out of petty cash last week when no one else would bother stocking up, but they were only $3 a box and I only had to wait in line for like 5 minutes.
Seriously, take more than 1 if you like. Take about 3 or 4. Hell, you can even grab the whole box and put it on your desk. You're only 30 centimetres away, so just take them. If on the odd chance I need one, I'll take one, so it's no big deal.
Oh, you're sniffing again, and I see you haven't yet decided to go with the sage advice I've given you. That's OK, the box is still there, it's not going to run away.
Wow, OK, now that last one was pretty long and pretty loud. Are you sure you don't have some sort of medical condition? I know that we all work in this crowded office and it sure can get pretty dusty at times, but that's why the cleaner decided to dust our ceiling, desks and walls the other day. That's also why maintenance installed a nice new vent in the wall, so that we could have some fresh air blowing in and out of this maze of desktop computers, photocopiers and Ikea desks.
Are you serious? You just sniffed like 5 times in a row in the space of a second. That's gotta be some kind of record. I'll tell you what; I'll go call Guinness and let them know, in the meantime, you take the tissue and you blow with it.
What the hell???!!!! Have you spent the past 12 months continuously snorting coke? You imbecile, do you realise how much you annoy the rest of us?
OK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Bad reaction, I know I shouldn't let my anger get the better of me. I'll calm down now. Oh for fucks sake you just did it again!
Right, that's it, I'm picking up the tissues. That's right - I'm picking up the tissues and I'm putting them down on your desk. But guess what? I'm not just going to politely place them on your desk with a big smile on my face. No. I'm going to thump them down with the force of a thousand atomic bombs. You will hear it. I will hear it. The whole entire damn office will hear it. Stop sniffing right now, or so help me I will do it. I really will. Don't test me. Gah! Please stop sniffing.
Please! See? I'm pleading with you now. It's come to this! It has really come to this. I'm on my figurative hands and knees begging for you to stop the sniffing. Stop that stupid noise. Is there going to ever be any end to it? Is this how you really want to be remembered here? As the fucking sniffer?
I wonder if I can approach the subject with someone else. Maybe Eric is annoyed by it too, but Eric's a pretty timid guy, he wouldn't really broach the subject, so maybe if I spoke to him about it he'd agree with me. What about Kim? She's a very stern, no-nonsense woman. I can definitely speak to her about it, I'm sure it affects her in the same way that it affects m... Oh here we go again!
Seriously! There was an entire minute there without a sniff and you just blew it! We had unprecedented silence there and now it's shattered by your incessant fucking sniffing!
That's it - next team meeting I'm bringing it up - first thing on the agenda; 'Tim's Fucking Nose', no wait, 'Tim's Shitty Sniffing', no wait, 'We All Want Tim To Fucking Die!'.
What's this?
Oh my lord! You can't be serious? You're reaching your hand over and... oh yes, I can't believe it, you're going for the tissues?! He grabs one! Yes, Tim! Yay for Tim!
Legendary fucking Tim!
You have taken a tissue. OK, I'm just going to creak my neck to the right and see what you do wi... Oh what? What the actual fuck?!
You're cleaning your computer screen?
Oh great, and now you're fucking sniffing again.
Fuck you, Tim. I'm going to work on my CV now.
You can hear more annoying rants at co-workers by following @SiCar on Twitter
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