Pictured: More creative than a Nine Network producer
You see, it was about 11 years ago that I decided I would forever ignore any program that went by the name of Big Brother. Now, I realise that posting up an angry blog that whines and moans about reality TV programs is cliched, old and very unoriginal in today's over-swamped shit-fest of the World Wide Web, however if you keep reading you'll see my whole point about the REAL reason why I loathe this show and how much I wish it were very, very different.
In fact - I love the whole premise of the show. The idea that you are locking a group of 'regular' people into one household for a pre-determined amount of time, who are also complete strangers, is a brilliant experiment.
BUT
Grammatically, I've just failed big time, but I needed to throw in that huge BUT.
A picture of Sir Mix A Lot - because even on safe search, typing Big Butt into Google isn't kid-safe
But -
The original producers of the program got it all wrong. Great idea, but they ran with it completely wrong. Picture this, if you will, a little American Football analogy. Imagine that the original idea of Big Brother came from legendary hall-of-fame Quarterback and Cowboy Troy Aikman (man, I love the Dallas Cowboys). Now, he can throw one hell of a pass, but picture this. His wide receiver that he's gonna throw the ball to, now that's the bordering-on-retarded Roy Williams, (only managed to catch 58% of his passes last season), oh, and he's a Chicago Bear, so more reason to hate on him.
So the original creator of the show, great. The producers who ran with the show - shit. They screwed up what should have been one of the most interesting and viewed social experiments of all time. It's as if the producers were the 2011 Dallas Cowboys and the creators of the original idea were the 1995 Dallas Cowboys.
I think we can all agree that this team is even better
Here's what went wrong:
The Housemates Are All Mental
No one is completely normal, I'll admit that, but when you watch any episode of Big Brother you tend to begin asking yourself which wing of Bedlam they're filming in. This is all due to the process of interviewing and auditioning for the show. You see, the networks don't want a house without issues between people, or situations where they aren't at each others throats and yelling psychotic curses at each other. No, they want the viewers to tune in every week to see a promise of these exact things. The only way to ensure this will happen? Make sure that every single person going into that house has at least heard voices in their heads or has fashioned their very own tin-foil hat, because, you know, ratings.
They Let The Audience Interact
I'm not naive. I know that the whole reason for this show in the first place is so that the producers can charge $59.95 every time you send them a mobile text voting out the housemate you hate the most (or, in some situations, the ones that you can stalk).
This is exactly what should not be happening! In fact, why evict anyone over time at all? Here we have this brilliant situation where we have a group of people who will all remain in the same crowded house, in very close proximity for a certain amount of time. We don't want that! We want to see these relationships between various strangers evolve over time. How will these people interact differently 6 months down the track compared to their first week together? Who will crack first?
These are the questions that I immediately thought to myself when I first heard of this program back in 2001. What exactly are they going to do in just a few months and with one person leaving each week? This isn't the kind of program I hoped for.
They Give Them Too Much To Do
One of the most interesting things you can ever experiment in, is how to people react when given nothing to do. Imagine yourself, being paid for a long holiday, let's say 3 months. You get paid every week but there are conditions: You can't work, even volunteer, you can't go on vacation anywhere, you have to spend most of the day in your house with just some time allocated to grocery shopping, walking the dog etc.
What would happen to you in the long term? You'd go absolutely postalistically crazy!
Yeah, sure you'd be fine for the first few days, maybe even the first week - 'ah bliss', you'd think to yourself, 'I now have unlimited time to catch up on all those episodes of House that I never got around to seeing. (personal note; I really don't like the program House, but everyone else seems to love it, so I'll go with that example for now)
Then, week 2 hits, and you've seen every episode of every single second rate drama/sit-com/dramedy/ that US networks are excreting out these days, and you realise 'OK, let's play sudoku!' Only to then realise that in reality you HATE sudoku and everything it stands for. What then?
A one-way ticket to Crazy Town.
No, not this Crazy Town. Although listening to them will have the very same effect on you
The BB housemates have way too many tasks and things to do. Wouldn't it be far more entertaining to simply see them beat the absolute shite out of each other?
They get a spa and a pool and all this other awesome stuff. Take them away, throw in a boxing ring, some gloves and throw in Bruce Buffer and you've got yourself a main event!
They're ALL Douchebags
I'm sorry if I offend anyone (I'm actually not) but what does every single reality TV 'celebrity' have in common? If you answered by simply looking back at the title of this section, then you are correct.
Why do you think Heidi and Spencer Pratt are known by people at all? Is it their startling good looks that don't exist? Is it their great personalities that are imaginary? Is it the fact that they've contributed much to society in the way of nothing? The reason they are slightly famous amongst people who've glanced over at MTV for more than a nanosecond is that they are complete and utter morons. Not only that, but they are what's scientifically known as 'douchebags'.
No one wants to watch intelligent, reasonable thinking individuals who have important and very interesting things to say. Why would they when half the population is wondering when the next Kardashian wedding is going to happen so that they can record it and show to their children. Those are the type of people who should be sent to a very far away and isolated island with LOTS of birth control.
Here's an example: A very good friend of mine during university, who I've since lost touch with over the years, applied and made the short list for BB back in 2002. Now, this guy is actually a really nice, intelligent and hard working individual who thought he'd do it for a bit of a laugh. He's had a very outgoing personality, so we all thought he was a shoe in, very friendly and good to get on with. He was cut straight away from that list. Why?
Because, he's simply the complete opposite of the very people I described earlier, the very people that are selected to entertain other idiots each and every night from an imaginary, plastic domicile with plastic problems and plastic personalities.
The Conclusion
To end today, I think that it would be too late now for any alternative to BB to be produced. People and network executives are expecting certain things from what they call reality television. I think that as far as social experiments go, which BB claimed to be in season 1, it failed miserably. It's not exactly a controlled environment.
It simply is what it is; a miserable reality television program.
Follow @SiCar on Twitter for more ramblings about how much he hates reality television.
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