Super Simmo: The 3 Worst Children's Toy Knockoffs

Anyone with a childhood (and let's go ahead and assume that you weren't cloned) can remember the time when they all desperately wanted a new toy. Whether it was an action figure of their favourite superhero, the latest side-scrolling platform video game from Nintendo, or a disproportionately, anatomically impossible doll, we all shared this kind of experience.

Receiving the toy as a gift was probably the next best thing to your parents telling you that Ice-cream was dinner for the rest of the week, or that the new puppy you just got could speak, clean up after itself and do your homework for you.

Then there were the times that this did not go down so well. You see, not all is what it seems after first glance at the shelves of the toy aisle. Sometimes there are certain details that slip past even the most diligent and tuned-in of parents. All it takes is a couple of seconds for your parents to notice the vague resemblance between what they are looking at and what you originally wanted, and that's all it takes for them to ruin your entire Christmas/Hanukkah/Flying-Spaghetti-Monster-Celebration or your birthday.

You see, there is the real deal and then there is what appears to be the real deal.

Let me put it this way: We all like cheap knockoffs. Deep down we all want to save a few dollars but still put on the false front that money is no object. So when you decide that you'll go ahead and buy that fake Chanel handbag - because really all your friends won't be able to tell the difference between this one and the genuine article (they totally can) - you're entering into a contract with your own denial, and this is OK if it only affects you, but definitely not OK when it affects children.

You see them on shelves at $2 stores, market stalls and anywhere else sleazy enough to buy toys off a company that exploits 5 year old Malaysian children and also steals their ideas off other much bigger companies that also exploit 5 year old Malaysian children.

Without further ado - here they are:

The 3 Worst Children's Toy Knockoffs

3 - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I grew up in the late 80's and 90's - therefore I was, for about 2 years, completely obsessed with 3 things: Yo-yos, Hyper-colour t-shirts, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Some of my best childhood memories are playing with the TMNT action figures with my brother. When we got bored of this, we'd play as the characters ourselves. I was Leonardo, he was Raphael, and the trees in our backyard played the rest of the characters - let's just say that we got plenty of 'Splinters' (sorry I just couldn't resist).

Asking our parents to buy us these action figures or even earning enough pocket money to shell out the ridiculous (at the time) $5.95 to pay for them was tough, considering you simply couldn't just buy one - you needed the whole damn set! (Come on, we're talking about a 4 and a 7 year old here).

So you can understand my absolute disappointment when dad finally brought home a couple of these action figures for us.

Here was one of them:

Shattered dreams and broken promises sold separately

That's the famous 'Fighting Action Turtle'. Yes, he clearly fights, you can tell from the weapons, and judging from the face he looks like he's ready for some sort of action, except that action looks like it's the one or two hours spent on the toilet seat after curry night.

Also, I'm going to go ahead and assume that since all four of the real TMNT's character's weapons have been sold with this single character, that means the manufacturer was generous enough to ensure that you needn't buy the other 3.

As sad as 'Fighting Action Turtle' seems, that isn't the worst of the knockoffs.

I remember the episode where Donatello blew Shredder's brains out with a .357 Magnum

I'm 30 years old now so my childhood memories are a little blurry, but correct me if I'm wrong here, but I'm pretty sure that the TMNT's didn't carry handguns in their belts.

And I'm starting the question the rest of the gear loaded in with that package. Handcuffs? In case the turtles are getting a little kinky with April O'Neil (and who amongst us as boys never had that fantasy?). The remote control, which obviously doesn't work, I can understand to some extent, but then the watch? What? In case your parents don't love you and this is the only one that you're getting?

Now I know that it says Ninja Gun Set, but... oh hey, wait a minute. Ninjas? Guns? I'm pretty sure that the art of Ninjitsu doesn't teach the use of Colts or semi-automatic rifles. So that in itself is the biggest giveaway that should trigger the parent's alarm bells when they see this.

Then you compare that last one to this, the final example of how TMNT was knocked off so badly in the 90's.

At least 'Fighting Action Turtle' had a proper name (sort of). These guys are known only by adjectives. Obviously they're Courageous and Righteous, so we can put any doubts about their character to rest.

Judging by the looks of their weapons, one can only hope that they really are courageous, as they're more than likely going to get their asses kicked.

2 - Power Rangers

Admit it - you ran home as quick as you could every single day so you could be in your living room by 4pm and catch this program. You even sang along with the song at the beginning, got your action figures out, hoped against all hope that the Pink Ranger showed a bit of nip in this episode.

As the show began riding a massive wave of success, it was only inevitable that the action figures followed a few months later.

Again, faced with the same dilemma of the high cost that retailers drew up in order to maximise their profits off the spoiled kids of the 90's, parents would more often than not resort to the knockoff.

If you thought that TMNT had it tough, you haven't seen anything yet.

Wow, 5 of them, and a vehicle! And look... wait, what?

It seems that any ability to conceal the fact that this is a rip-off has been lost completely by the manufacturers. Yes, the look is almost identical, the colours are right for the most part, but, hang on a second - Dragon Gaoranger?

Complete with carnivorous scary-as-fuck dinosaur

This one here takes the concept of Power Rangers to a whole new level. No longer must they 'form like Voltron' (Power Rangers is also a knock-off) and combine to become some variation of a dinosaur/giant robot thingy, they can simply ride around on their own velociraptor, who in probably 5 minutes, will throw the rider off and tear away at their flesh in an instant.

1 - Barbie/Bratz

I've combined these two in the final (and therefore worst) entry on this list. Why? Because the following knockoffs will give me nightmares for the next 10 years of my life. Happy reading:

Laura - The freakishly large-headed Barbie knockoff

This is what happens when you combine children's tears, LSD and whatever they found in Hitler's bunker.

I will stare at you while you lay asleep

Those eyes are two of the creepiest that I have ever seen in my entire life. I'm not sure what sort of sick joke that the manufacturers were players, but one can only hope that it was a complete accident on part of their design. No child should have to ever unwrap the evil entity that is Laura on Christmas morning.

Then there's the always booming 'women that like to dress like men dressed as drag queens' doll market.