5 Things To Buy Online With $10 That Show You're Deranged

Sometimes people are awarded a rare thing known as 'free time'. You remember that? It's the two words your grade 3 teacher used to say when she was severely hungover or the VCR wasn't working. Today, thanks to the joys of the Internet, apart from wasting your time at 2am with a midget porn marathon, you can also browse the most pointless things to purchase when you've also got a bit of spare cash lying around. Unfortunately, the following items may also prove how you are a dangerous member of society.

5 - Huge Hogs of Australia's North - VHS

Apart from being an item of purchase that ASIO track to identify possible serial killers, this VHS isn't just a look at some of the types of wild pigs running around outside of Darwin, it's also a master class in bow hunting techniques.

Yes, for only $10 Australian, you get both Part 1 and Part 2! A first hand glance from some of the toothless locals on how to kill my very own wild boar!

Part 1 and Part 2 bear the theme of Bow Hunting, which makes it frighteningly clear that there were more parts produced later on. I'm guessing that they aren't available because the How To Make Love To series in Parts 3 and 4 probably sold out early on.

Side Note: The mere fact that you are purchasing this also implies that you still own a VHS player and therefore gain the minimum mental capacity in which to enjoy this video production.

4 - The Magic of Mantovani - 2x Vinyl Records

Whether you're looking to impress your date by making up for your lack of culture, or you need to play something while you show your dinner guests the stove that you're going to cook them in, The Magic of Mantovani is music for almost any situation where wearing a tuxedo in your own home and discussing the finer points of the boconccini making process in southern Latvia while sipping 19 year old sherry is your way of telling other people that you may have indeed suffered a stroke recently.

Side Note: If you are going to seriously play this at a dinner party, I suggest concealing the conspicuously used Kleenex tissues next to that copy of Barely Legal magazine with the pages stuck together that have been on your coffee table for weeks.

3 - Open Season - The Jason Akermanis 'Autobiography'

QUICKLY! Only 55 minutes to go until you can purchase your very own copy of this wonderful piece of modern day literature written by an athlete with the mind of a poet. It's bizarre that no one has yet put on a bid. $4 you say? Hell, that's nothing, I'm going to solidify my prospects and place a $50 bid on this marvel of a portrait. I'm not taking my chances, here, take all my money right now, please!

Side Note: Trying to sell your official autobiography of a demented homophobe is a waste of time. Cut out the middle man and simply smear your own feces all over it and then send it by mail to his house.

2 - A4 Laminated Inspirational Quote

"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile".

Here's an idea. Instead of wasting your hard-earned $3.49 including postage and handling, just go to your Facebook news feed right now. Scroll down for a few seconds and your bound to run into some piece of shit just like this:

The slogan of a deranged middle-aged woman with too many cats

People who are crazy enough to go on a shooting spree downtown are the ones who do

I'm not sure from what fertile part of this person's mind, that they thought printing this out, laminating it and then selling it online, it came from, but I'm fairly sure that I would not like to meet them. I'm also sure that when you're screaming an inspirational quote at someone as they're running away from you that it doesn't count as passing on your version of 'wisdom'.

Side Note: This person suggests this item as a 'Christmas gift idea', meaning that their version of Christmas is you hog tied and gagged in their living room while they read more of these quotes to you.

1 - Painted Ceramic Tile Cat

"Here Grandma, look what I made for you at school today!"

"Why, thank you, dear. I think I can make $5 out of it."

Because when you come right down to it, this is pretty much what has happened here. Quite obviously the work of a grade 4 student, this tile comes complete with its own frame, geometrically designed border, and yes, a cat, a very happy cat... with scratches or stars on its fur.

If you like to impress visitors with your wonderful array of artistic knowledge and taste then this tile will likely not feature on your wish list. If, however, you enjoy the soothing sound of blood dripping from your ceiling while telling the two girls tied up in your living room that their next, then this may be just up your alley.

To find out more reasons why you may be insane follow @SiCar on Twitter.