The 5 Ugliest Uniforms In The History Of Sport

Ah, sport. There is no better medium for escape from the banal and day-to-day collection of events that is your life. Although, I hear that sex is pretty good, too.

When it comes to leaning back in the armchair and indulging in a nice beverage, nothing beats having your eyes and ears temporarily glued to the concept of two rival opponents, sometimes made up of teams, sometimes an individual against another, sometimes it's simply watching a washed up footballer attacking an even  more washed up ex-footballer.

Back in times of old, when beating women wasn't a sport just confined to the Chris Brown's of the world, groups of men would also beat each other and wrestle to claim dominance. Yes, I totally made that shit up, but then again, there's got to be some point in history, where some pre-historic society decided that this was a great way to settle disputes. And if the UFC is any indication of our evolutionary past, then I think I may be correct.

The one thing that has always fascinated me about professional sports, any sport for that matter, is the uniforms worn by the teams. Now, we know that when it comes to national teams, the colours usually have relevance, like it may have been the official colours of that country's former royal family, or the the colours of their flag, or it's the same shade of blood that the natives kicked the colonialists asses with before succumbing to smallpox. Whatever the reason, there is relevance.

Not so much when it comes to professional club sports as we'll see now.

5 - Brown and Yellow - used by: Denver Broncos, NFL (throwback) and Hawthorn Hawks, AFL

Unless you have watched countless hours of ESPN and the overbearing, smug voice of Stephen A. Smith haunts you in your dreams at night, then you wouldn't know what a throwback uniform is. Throwbacks are what sports marketing departments come up with when they have just pulled in an all-nighter and the delivery man has finally arrived with the cocaine.

Throwbacks are big, very big in the NFL and have made their way into numerous other sports where reliving the 1970's has become a confusing priority.

One of the worst of these pre-graphic design era uniforms was the one used by the Denver Broncos in 2009. A throwback is a salute to the history and culture of the team. This was more of a salute to what you leave behind in a toilet.

I'd love to tell you what's going on here, but I can't because NFL

If you think that's bad then you should take a look at an Australian Rules football team who uses these two colours all the time. Hawthorn, one of the inner suburbs of Melbourne, has had to put up with their club representing this horrible colour combination since the very inception of the club.

Pictured: Another overwhelming case that evolution is fact

4 - Manchester United, EPL 1992 Away Kit

Arrrrrrgh! My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

This was the actual, very much real jersey that United wore as their away uniform until 1994. That means, that for at least two seasons for Premier League football, this kit was donned close to 40 times. That's 40 times that fans would have either been blinded or thought that they were at a Wham! concert in the 80's.

3 - Denver Nuggets, NBA 1981-85

For anyone who doesn't know, the Nuggets live right up to their namesake - they are the perpetual whipping boys of the NBA and, for about 4 years in the 80's, they were also the aesthetic laughing stocks.

I've never been there, but the people of Denver must have some obsession with colour clashes. Either that or the entire city is under some sort of gypsy curse.

... Sorry... I just had an Atari flashback

Not only is the colour combination the only thing possible that could make your eyes scream, but the graphic on the front is baffling. What's going on here? Is this some homage to the Rocky Mountains, or is it a 1970's arcade machine ingeniously grafted onto the uniform. If so, then I'm getting me one of these!

2 - Pink With Stars - used by Sydney Sixers, T20 Big Bash League (cricket) and Juventus, Serie A

I'm sorry, but when your uniform makes you and your team members look like you just got eliminated off Dancing With The Stars then it's time you reconsidered it.

Either that or each of their appendices are glowing

This particular uniform wouldn't be so bad if only they'd left out the stars. What, if any, significance can that obvious afterthought have with this team? If you aren't yet convinced that this team has problems, then read a statement from their website:

"If you love the glitz and glamour of the harbour city, then the Sixers are the team for you. They don’t shy away from aiming to be the team that everyone else wants to be. Their uniforms are bright but that’s the way they want it. They’ll be loud and proud on and off the field."

Then there is Juventus from Italy's Serie A. Their current away kit, which they began wearing last season, is probably the only rival to the Sydney Sixers in way of flamboyance in sport.

In Italy, this is also how you officially come out of the closet

1 - Every Single Chelsea Away Jersey From The 90's

I don't need to say much, just look at the following:

First of all, there was this:

Also designed on a Commodore computer

Then there was this:

Designed on an Amiga this time

Also this:

Commodore no longer wanted to be associated with an inferior product... in the 90's... which says something

But the grandaddy of them all has to be this one:

Go ahead, John Terry. You try and pick up your mate's wife by wearing this!

SuperSimmo enjoys watching his Football with a Carlsberg in one hand and a fine cuban in the other. He also likes cigars. You can follow him @SiCar on Twitter 

The 3 Most Common Features Of Funk Album Covers

Funk is one of those genres of music that we could all very easily admit to being into without any repercussions, but the truth is, most people don't understand real funk music. Apart from every time you're at a blue light disco and Play That Funky Music comes on (which wasn't actually performed by a funk band) most of you wouldn't have bothered listening to the b-sides performed by George Clinton, The GAP Band or Leon Haywood.

And there's a reason for this. You see, funk music is an enigma at the best of times. I personally love it, but it takes a time to adapt to the not so commercially radio friendly tunes - the same can also be said for some of the decisions made in designing album covers for a number of these groups.

1 - Obsession With Ancient Egypt

One of the most common themes is dressing up like you've been whipping Hebrews all day. A number of bands jumped on this kind of misplaced historical obsession.

Instant Funk, The Funk Is On (1980)

It's a prerequisite for any funk band from the 70's and 80's that if a number of your singles don't contain the word funk, then the name of your band or your album should. Luckily for Instant Funk, they've filled those final two criteria.

We've also made our quota of confusing you about your own sexuality

Instant Funk are a lesser known group from the late 1970's who had a few hits during the disco era, also it seems that they may have been big around the time the pyramids of Giza were built, too. 

Best known for their hits, I Got My Mind Made Up, No Stoppin' That Rockin', as well as intense staring, Instant Funk may or may not be completely responsible for this mess. One thing's for sure, though; that dude at the top right is dealing with the most frightening experience of his life. 

Rick James, Throwin' Down (1982)

Rick James didn't invent phallic symbolism, but somewhere along the line one can assume that he did a masters in semiotics.

And somewhere along the line he raided Instant Funk's costume wardrobe, possibly right after doing a line of coke.

The Bar-Kays, Too Hot To Stop (1976)

Is that... is that Snoop Dogg in the back there?

2 - Dressing Like They're Straight Out Of A Dolemite Sequal

The 1970's was responsible for some of the most well-known (and purely awesome) Blaxploitation cinema ever produced. The funk bands of the time knew a good selling point when they saw one.

Leon Haywood, Come And Get Yourself Some (1975)

At first glance, you'd be forgiven for thinking that Mr Haywood was in a defensive karate pose. Then you look again at the expression on his face and it looks likely that a large amount of crack has taken its toll on his ability to stand straight.

The GAP Band, V, Jammin' (1983)

Stylin', profilin' and career suicidin'.

Thomas Bucknasty, Blast-o-Funk (1980)

This may actually be so bad that's it good! The photographer needs to be praised for being able to get everyone else besides Mr Bucknasty to put on a serious face.

1 - Bizarre And Ambiguous Imagery

To be fair, this trend really only applies to George Clinton and his Parliament Funkadelic. To be even fairer most of the members including Clinton were in a pretty messed-up mindset, because hardcore drugs.


 Note before: This requires no explanation, because I simply can't give one.

This

And this

And there's also this

And finally, my personal favourite...

This

You can read more about Funk/Soul/RnB and how much I hate music today that uses those titles by following @SiCar on Twitter.

The Top 4 Reasons Aussies Are (wrongly) Perceived As Rednecks

A few years ago, American comedian and poster boy for cocaine users with ADHD, Robin Williams, made a comment on The Late Show that Australians are basically English rednecks. You can watch the full video where he explains the comment here.

For what was a seemingly innocent joke about the way in which Australians speak, a lot of anger and resentment was then flung towards Williams by people ranging from then PM Kevin Rudd to a number of media commentators. To fan the flames in this war of words, Rudd then retorted that Williams should spend some quality time in Alabama if he wants to see rednecks.

This, in turn, prompted the governor of Alabama to state, "I'm not sure if Prime Minister Rudd has ever been to Alabama. If he has, he would know that Alabamians are decent, hard working, creative people."

Jokes, quips and anecdotes from drugged-up comedians, overly sensitive politicians and real-life rednecks aside, there is an element of truth to the comment that sparked so much misdirected fury back in 2010. Not that we Australians are, as a whole nation, something that someone would identify as being rednecks (although I've seen a fair element first hand that could be called so) but the way in which we are perceived from other countries is mostly caused by the following:

4 - The Laid-Back Lifestyle

As far as stereotypes go, I've never heard more said from foreigners about Australians than the fact that we are laid back. This of course isn't true, but in the past we have sold an image internationally about our passive and extremely lazy ways.

I'll set my alarm for snooze again at 10:30. Then I might get ready for work.

Even our film industry sells it. We have delivered the same message regardless of the narrative; Aussies love to kick back.

And don't get me started on our tourism industry:

"So what?" You might say. All countries have their lazy elements and sure enough if you want to promote a holiday, then you may as well make it a relaxing one. Yes, that's true, but when you look at the ways in which other countries promote themselves as a destination, it's usually 50% sight-seeing and then 50% taking a break. In Australia, everything, even the sight-seeing, is pretty much sleepy time as can be seen here.

3 - The Language

Now I'm definitely not a prude, and I'm not one to watch my mouth at the best of times, but as far as swearing goes, Australian's are gold medalists. No, that's not a stereotype either. Aussies generally don't have much of a problem with profanity... that is of course based on context. You see, there's a possible perception around the world that the typical workplace in Australia is like a scene right out of an Eddie Murphy stand-up routine. That isn't exactly the case. While we Australians' generally don't have an issue with swearing like some other countries do, it still isn't accepted in most social situations. 

It's advertising campaigns that carry the slogan "So where the bloody hell are you?" that kind of ruin the image of a civilised society down here. Then there's the 'ocker' image from the 70's and 80's that we still simply can't shake.

Take this as an example:

Apologies to the future alien archeologists that dig this up

That song went to number 1 for a week in the local charts here in Australia. That just goes to show that for one entire week, we, as a nation completely humiliated ourselves by purchasing an incoherent piece of music 'sung' by one of our national embarrassments. Of course, things aren't so different in other countries...

2 - The Clothing

Take a good, long look at the picture back at the top of this page. That entire ensemble can be purchased at almost any department store in Australia today, and guess what? It's pretty much the outfit of choice for every second Aussie male. Now flannel definitely has it's positives: It's warm, convenient and very comfortable. It's also pretty cheap to buy and there's always a lot in stock. 

So why is it so closely associated with the Aussie 'bogan'? (the word we could use to replace redneck) The fact is, so many guys in Australia (and also around the world, let's not forget this) wear flannel, but they're not necessarily rednecks. Again, this comes down to pure stereotypes which, as I've discussed in the past, are completely harmful.

Hell, I'd love to just wear flannel down to the shops every chance I got, but there are some weird and possibly outdated connotations that go along with that choice of garment.

This!

Granted, I don't have a mullet and that's definitely the kind of hat that would suit a career running a meth lab. Don't even get me started on the choice of beverage in his hand.

But manufacturers of flannel shirts aren't the only ones suffering from this association. You only have to look at one of Australia's staples in the fashion industry, Bonds, to see the other dark side of Aussie clothing.

I'd just like to say, you've ruined my look, AC/DC and King Brown stubbies for us!

The famous Chesty Bond's singlet - in its dark blue or pure white wife beater colours has been forever stained by the smear of the bogan.

The problem is, these are also comfortable in our climate, convenient and damn cheap as well. I mean, who wouldn't just want to go five minutes down the road to get a loaf of bread without having to bother pulling on a shirt in 40 degree weather?

And it goes beyond even generic clothing lines. You even have the usual suspects associated with rednecks imagery:

Available in Stoner Grey or Bogan Black

Still relevant?

1 - The Beer

I won't beat around the bush with this one at all; Aussies are fairly heavy beer drinkers. It's not just a small minority. Yes, we're becoming more established in the wine industry as each year goes on, and we have got a pretty good hold on our alcoholism compared to other countries, but Beer is still the drink of choice in any pub, club, home, social gathering, back of the ute, horseback, shed, garage, beach, front lawn, porch, patio and any other place where more than one person are holding a conversation about footy, rugby, cricket, lawn bowls, patio renovations, their ute or farming equipment.

Here's one of the best examples of how the American's see us as beer drinkers:

That episode is classic Simpsons since it's filled with so many stereotypes, you could easily stretch all of them over 4 or 5 episodes, yet the jokes about us just keep flowing, and I love it because it's almost so true!

However, Australians aren't exactly the beer guzzlers that the rest of the world thinks that we are. In fact, when you look at beer consumption per capita, we're 8th on the list, behind the top of the list Czech Republic, Austria, Ireland (of course) Germany (again, of course) and Lithuania to name a few. Yes, we're up there, but only if you don't know about the existence of Europe.

Then again, we place a fair bit of importance on our brews.

Quick, Gazza! Get this emergency carton out to the crew, post haste!

End Note:

Of course, once again like all perceptions of nationality and culture, there are stereotypes involved. No, Australians are not rednecks. Nor are we all racist, drunken bogans. We simply have a very small percentage of the population who adhere to those kinds of values associated with being a redneck. Overall, we're a pretty fun-loving nation who can be laid back, but we also work hard and are fairly intelligent. However, someone should probably tell our politicians and celebrities that it's OK if other countries 'take the piss' out of us from time to time.

You can see more national pride displayed by following @SiCar on Twitter

The 5 Worst Football Club Logos

Ahh, football. The World Game. The Beautiful Game. When you think of club football, you think of some of the biggest and most successful from around the world - Bayern Munich, Real Madrid, Manchester United and my personal favourite of all time, Internazionale.

Then there are some of your lesser known clubs, the ones playing in the lower divisions, the ones not so well-known internationally. For the most part, I love watching any football match, whether it's seeing Accrington Stanley get belted in the first round of the FA Cup or it's the Serie B playoffs between Sampdoria and Reggina, I'm always up for a match, no matter what.

That being said, having to look at the logos of some of these clubs leave a little to be desired. When you start questioning how many rules in graphic design these badges break then you know that they're simply horrible.

5 - Forest Green Rovers

One of the longest serving clubs in England's Conference National (which is a nice way of saying that they're consistently shit) Forest Green Rovers not only picked their name out of the crap barrel, but they also decided to smear whatever residue came out all over their clubs badge.

In what could only be described as a lion with a dislocated shoulder tap dancing around a ball with a unicorn suffering from scoliosis, this logo both baffles the mind as well as reminds old hippies why they no longer dabble in LSD.

4 - Exeter City

Unicorns or some kind of mythical flying horse creatures are the order of the day in England's lower leagues. It seems that this club, perpetually stuck in League Two is no exception. 

Here we have not one but two winged Pegasus-like creatures, one of which is about to be exorcised by a lion-priest, or is that a priest-lion? Funnily enough, the weirdest thing about this image is that the priest-lion thing seems to be rising out of some kind of jug.

I'm not even sure that there is anyone alive in this world still who is able to answer this one.

3 - Juve Stabia

I don't know about you, but that picture reminds me of every episode of Ninja Turtles that had Baxter Stockman in it. I'm positive that the designer of this Serie B club's logo was listening on the radio to the story about the human fly while coming up with the design. 

Also, why in the fuck does this fly-man have a lance in his possession and who is he about to kill with it?

2 - Elche Club de Futbol

Is that a ridiculously oversized quill in your hands or are you just happy to... Oh I give up, seriously! What in the actual fuck is going on in this one? In what way exactly does a scribe in a wig have anything at all to do with football? And why is that book so big? In fact, what the hell is the significance of Bowser's castle in the second tier and the hut at the very bottom. In fact, to hell with it. Please, someone burn this logo. Can someone from the Spanish Segunda Division please help me out!?

1 - Barnsley FC

For our final and ultimately worst logo, we return you to fair old England to witness first hand exactly why the English will never, ever win another World Cup.

Yes, Barnsley, we get that you're simply showing us your Yorkshire pride - farmers, miners etc, but if your football club made this logo anymore obvious there'd be a balding fat guy in overalls exclaiming "'appy as a pig in muck!"

This isn't so bad when you put things in perspective though. This is the club's old logo:

And I leave you with that.

You can read more about the darker side of football history by following @SiCar on Twitter

5 Things To Buy Online With $10 That Show You're Deranged

Sometimes people are awarded a rare thing known as 'free time'. You remember that? It's the two words your grade 3 teacher used to say when she was severely hungover or the VCR wasn't working. Today, thanks to the joys of the Internet, apart from wasting your time at 2am with a midget porn marathon, you can also browse the most pointless things to purchase when you've also got a bit of spare cash lying around. Unfortunately, the following items may also prove how you are a dangerous member of society.

5 - Huge Hogs of Australia's North - VHS

Apart from being an item of purchase that ASIO track to identify possible serial killers, this VHS isn't just a look at some of the types of wild pigs running around outside of Darwin, it's also a master class in bow hunting techniques.

Yes, for only $10 Australian, you get both Part 1 and Part 2! A first hand glance from some of the toothless locals on how to kill my very own wild boar!

Part 1 and Part 2 bear the theme of Bow Hunting, which makes it frighteningly clear that there were more parts produced later on. I'm guessing that they aren't available because the How To Make Love To series in Parts 3 and 4 probably sold out early on.

Side Note: The mere fact that you are purchasing this also implies that you still own a VHS player and therefore gain the minimum mental capacity in which to enjoy this video production.

4 - The Magic of Mantovani - 2x Vinyl Records

Whether you're looking to impress your date by making up for your lack of culture, or you need to play something while you show your dinner guests the stove that you're going to cook them in, The Magic of Mantovani is music for almost any situation where wearing a tuxedo in your own home and discussing the finer points of the boconccini making process in southern Latvia while sipping 19 year old sherry is your way of telling other people that you may have indeed suffered a stroke recently.

Side Note: If you are going to seriously play this at a dinner party, I suggest concealing the conspicuously used Kleenex tissues next to that copy of Barely Legal magazine with the pages stuck together that have been on your coffee table for weeks.

3 - Open Season - The Jason Akermanis 'Autobiography'

QUICKLY! Only 55 minutes to go until you can purchase your very own copy of this wonderful piece of modern day literature written by an athlete with the mind of a poet. It's bizarre that no one has yet put on a bid. $4 you say? Hell, that's nothing, I'm going to solidify my prospects and place a $50 bid on this marvel of a portrait. I'm not taking my chances, here, take all my money right now, please!

Side Note: Trying to sell your official autobiography of a demented homophobe is a waste of time. Cut out the middle man and simply smear your own feces all over it and then send it by mail to his house.

2 - A4 Laminated Inspirational Quote

"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile".

Here's an idea. Instead of wasting your hard-earned $3.49 including postage and handling, just go to your Facebook news feed right now. Scroll down for a few seconds and your bound to run into some piece of shit just like this:

The slogan of a deranged middle-aged woman with too many cats

People who are crazy enough to go on a shooting spree downtown are the ones who do

I'm not sure from what fertile part of this person's mind, that they thought printing this out, laminating it and then selling it online, it came from, but I'm fairly sure that I would not like to meet them. I'm also sure that when you're screaming an inspirational quote at someone as they're running away from you that it doesn't count as passing on your version of 'wisdom'.

Side Note: This person suggests this item as a 'Christmas gift idea', meaning that their version of Christmas is you hog tied and gagged in their living room while they read more of these quotes to you.

1 - Painted Ceramic Tile Cat

"Here Grandma, look what I made for you at school today!"

"Why, thank you, dear. I think I can make $5 out of it."

Because when you come right down to it, this is pretty much what has happened here. Quite obviously the work of a grade 4 student, this tile comes complete with its own frame, geometrically designed border, and yes, a cat, a very happy cat... with scratches or stars on its fur.

If you like to impress visitors with your wonderful array of artistic knowledge and taste then this tile will likely not feature on your wish list. If, however, you enjoy the soothing sound of blood dripping from your ceiling while telling the two girls tied up in your living room that their next, then this may be just up your alley.

To find out more reasons why you may be insane follow @SiCar on Twitter.

Tattooless - Yes, It's Now A Word

Well, no it isn't really, but I figured that the few remaining people in this world who don't have a tattoo should at least get some kind of label to help with our impending identity crisis.

I've lately run into something of an existential crisis in my life, but I'll get to that later. I don't want a tattoo. I never have ever wanted one. This places me somewhere inside the roughly one percent of total people who don't have one. Where in the past having a tattoo placed you on the fringes of society, today is just the opposite.

So, my identity. What is it? Am I simply 'that guy without the tattoo' or am I still considered 'normal'?

OK, well normal if you discount the extreme neuroticism.

Giving this guy a run for his money

What made me really start to question whether those of us without tattoos were still normal was simply turning on the television and watching almost any show that was on at that time. You are bound to, at least within 5 minutes, see someone with a nice, inked up tatt. 

In the past, it was only the usual characters who'd be bearing ink on their skin.

Go see a rock band? Tatts.

Strip club? Tatts.

Visiting a local meth lab? Tatts.

This has changed. Today you needn't look far to encounter someone who's got ink, and it's usually in more than one place. You see, it's only been within the past 4 or 5 years that more and more people of either sex have decided that a tattoo is the perfect way to express their individuality. Yet how does one simply express themselves as an individual in a way that's become so conformist?

And what exactly happens to certain rules, now that so many people think a permanent sketch of Mickey Mouse on the side of their neck is a sane look? For example, there are so many jobs that require you to cover all tattoos as best you can. For example, there are still plenty of retailers today who have a strict corporate policy regarding this. How then, are these rules able to be kept in place if so many people are having multiple tattoos done in various places on their body?

Now don't get me wrong. I have absolutely nothing against tattoos. I know plenty of people with them and some of them are close friends. I never judge an individual based on what they do with or to their body.

Except you - you're a fucking idiot

Now I do know that a lot of people who get ink done do it for a certain sentimental or important reason that has great significance on their life.

Then there are those who do it for the exact same reason that I chose to use the picture of a naked Angelina Jolie as the thumbnail for this article: To get attention

This is my greatest issue though. Without todays ultimate sign of expression, am I left to be tossed aside as without meaning in my life? Without having any significant importance in my life?

I know that's not true, but my greatest issue in life is the perception of myself from others. Again - neuroticism. 

Now those of us without tattoos are on the fringes and it feels kind of weird - we didn't really make a choice the way that others did. I don't care how you look at that last sentence, but simply avoiding a needle that will engrave Betty Boop on your left shoulder doesn't require a choice to be made - the choice is made when you actually do that.

For some, choices are just on a dartboard full of possible bad decisions

Hypothetically, if it weren't so mainstream (not to sound all hipsterish or anything) but I'd probably get a tattoo if I actually had what you kids call 'swag'. Mine would be C-3PO bitch slapping Han Solo while Chewbacca laughs. Why? Simple because I've always wanted to see that, that's why. It's the same reason Billy Madison colours the duck in blue!

But that's never going to happen (not the C-3PO thing - I'll draw that shit!), the tattoo is only hypothetical because for someone like me it just isn't a possibility.

You had it coming you scruffy looking nerf herder!

You can read more about C-3PO revenge fantasies by following @SiCar on Twitter

Friday Quickie - What's In A Name?

I'm not 100% familiar with they way in which iGoogle compiles or chooses the news stories that appear in the feed on the front page. However, I do know that it may have something to do with your own preferences that you added when it was first set up.

This is something that I only just stumbled up on this afternoon and thought it was worth a quick look at:

Those are two completely different Israel's. Yet they both happen to appear side-by-side (OK, one on top of the other) in my iGoogle newsfeed. One could probably be forgiven for this as a coincidence since BOTH are in the news at the moment. However, if you look down further, there is a whole different section for sports. How did this story not at least get placed in the appropriate area?

One Israel is the nation state in the middle east that's been pretty much at the centre of most conflicts in that region since the 1950's. The other one is a talented athlete who likes to hop from sport to sport.

So I've come to the conclusion now that iGoogle simply arranges news based on key words.

Somebody, anybody! If you're a bit more clued in to how Google does this, then please leave a comment and enlighten me.

That is all for today.

Super Simmo

4 Of The Most 'WTF' Latin Music Videos Of All Time

Being married to a Salvadoran, I get to experience a lot of what Latin American culture has, such as spicy food, superstitious beliefs, beautiful family values and fantastic music. The music has always been admired greatly by myself, both the classical and folk music of Central America as well as the contemporary and modern day sound. However one thing has always baffled me about the more contemporary songs - for such beautiful music, why are their videos so damn confusing?

After watching so many of them, I still can't tell whether the director is just deeply artistic, or autistic. I know that with a foreign language often comes elements of a song that just won't be understood by other cultures, however some of these elements go beyond simple culture shock and enter into the completely deranged.

Here's a short list of the craziest that I've seen:

4: Pintame - Elvis Crespo

This one was hard to write about, only because I'm a big fan of this particular singer. Now, that being said, I'm not exactly a fan of his videos. Here's one of them.

I also can't tell if it's him or a middle-aged woman

Elvis Crespo has a great voice, but unfortunately all his talent is undone by one single music video. If you haven't bothered to watch (don't worry, it is safe for work as all the women somehow stay clothed) then you would have noticed that Elvis likes to change his clothes quite often, but he only enjoys two colours; black and white.

At the very beginning of the video, he, and all the dancers who are inexplicably there with him in a white room, are wearing the same white clothing that is usually reserved for cult members waiting for the spacecraft to appear. Cut a mere 5 seconds later - all wearing black. Cut another 5 seconds - wearing white again, and so on and so on until...

Still can't tell if it's a man or a middle-aged woman

Elvis finds himself in a yellow room usually reserved for the fantasy sequence of a schizophrenic. 

Now I know that the word 'Pintame' means 'Paint Me' in English, so the use of colours or monochromatic themes seems kind of appropriate. But really, isn't there a more subtle and less psychotic way of conveying this to your audience, Señor Crespo?

The next shots incorporate the following: Elvis playfully sitting on a large chair, smiling at us. Elvis pinning himself up against a green backdrop. Elvis momentarily cloning himself and dancing in a green jacket. Having his backup dancers paint penises on the wall...

Nothing phallic to see here, folks...

Even the women get in on the action, hopefully by not showing us what the middle of their bed sheets may look like once a month...

Pictured: NOT a 'stayfree' advertisement

And then finally there's Elvis, who seems confused by something that a 4 year old made at kindergarten

No caption required

Then there are the scenes that make us believe Crespo really does want to get sued by Apple.

3: La Musica Sonando Para Ti Polis - Pescozada

A hip hop group hailing from the mean streets of San Salvador is always going to have street cred, no matter what anyone says. But no matter how many times Ross Kemp likes to show us how hard he is by roaming them for journalistic purposes, we cannot fathom how bad the street gang situation is over there.

Luckily for us, Pescozada can show us themselves! One of El Salvador's premier hip hop groups, Pescozada enjoys sharing their home videos with us, particularly in the music clip for this song which seems like someone decided to put all of their amateur footage of their debaucherous nights out and compile it all for their fans.

This video is mainly 90% handy cam footage - we're talking parking lots, on stage, in their car, on the sidewalk. It's as if they either stumbled upon the best way to show their street cred or they've realised that this is going to cost them nothing to put together.

And you know what they can do with all those savings!

Towards the end of the video there's even footage of them going up the escalator at a local mall, throwing gang signs up as if to say, "yeah homes, what you gonna do about it, we're riding the escalator at the mall".

Roughly translated, the song title means "Music Playing For You Cops", so straight out of the blocks you know exactly where they stand with local law enforcement (just look at their 'double dare' expressions on their faces when riding that escalator). I'm not sure though, but I do know that in most countries, riding the escalator isn't a felony - hell even going up one the wrong way isn't, just ask any 5-15 year old in the entire world. I'm also fairly sure that travelling on sidewalks is OK, as is playing music to a live audience (as long as you're fully clothed) is fine. 

Pescozada have basically given us a home movie on how to have a good law-abiding night out with your friends.

That is unless he's taking a shit on stage

Even some of the more risqué stuff that they try to pull off doesn't even seem that bad. At the beginning of the video, one of the group members gets out of his car with a bottle of some sort of undisclosed alcohol in his hands. "Woah! Back off now, man! Don't be bringing that kind of trouble to our nice quiet night out." 

Unless a passing cop walks by and he decides to smash the bottle and cut him with it, the video goes nowhere... which is exactly what happens for the next 4 minutes.

2: Salome - Chayanne

When I first heard the song Salome I must admit, it was pretty catchy, and as much as I'd also hate to admit it, I still enjoy listening to it sometimes today. That being said, the video is shit. Not only that, but it's one of the most confusing and disjointed music videos I've ever seen. I understand that not all music videos need a narrative, sometimes we like to take a break from having to be told a story and just enjoy watching our favourite artists awkwardly sell-out to their record label in order to sell more albums. However when it comes to Salome there is no room for interpretation, and you sure as hell can't relax with all the crazy shit that seems to be going on at the same time.

The absolute worst thing about this video is the lousy animation. Here's a sneak peek:

I kid you not - this is the very first thing we are presented with

I'm not sure what that is but I'm fairly certain I've seen the same thing animated in a 9th grade multimedia class. Or this video was shot in 1980... which it wasn't.

Anyway, here's the full clip:

Even Chayanne seems perplexed as to what's going on. We can't help but emphasise enough: This video was produced by professionals.

I'm not entirely sure what the overall theme is here. Is it a space theme? Is it set in the future? Are they all tripping on acid? Are they trying to burn that blue skivvy he's wearing?

'Ha ha ha. I bowl them all over with my fashion sense!'

Then there are the silver spherical balls that seem to be all over the place. Was this some computer animators afterthought or a genuine attempt to make the video seem more futuristic or... science? Either way, they suck.

It's as if the video producers just gave in on their own original ideas and decided that they were going to borrow from as many sci-fi films and television shows as they possibly could.

They even steal from Hannah Barbara cartoons when, in some out-of-place ode to The Flinstones some little Gazoo character comes flying in, capturing the curiosity of Chayanne.

Hello Dum Dum - let me shit all over your career

Chayanne has probably made much much worse than this, but to allow a director to simply shoot such a Frankenstein's monster of a video has put him firmly in this list. There are moments when you just feel sorry for him and everyone else associated with the video, even the dancers wearing those glossy coloured vests.

I swear though, if you pause at just the right moment, you can almost see the despair in his eyes, as if looking for some sort of escape.

Get me the fuck out of here!

I don't know a lot about Chayanne's career other than this song, a few others and oh, the fact that he once auditioned and then was rejected by this group:

Oh... and speaking of that group...

1 - Hold Me - Menudo

I don't need to add any further comment to this video. 

It's not that I'm lazy or anything, it's just that I'm fairly sure that it would be the exact same thing as kicking a dog just as it's about to be put down.

The VERY same thing

You can see more about how the rhythm's gonna get you by following @SiCar on Twitter