Tattooless - Yes, It's Now A Word

Well, no it isn't really, but I figured that the few remaining people in this world who don't have a tattoo should at least get some kind of label to help with our impending identity crisis.

I've lately run into something of an existential crisis in my life, but I'll get to that later. I don't want a tattoo. I never have ever wanted one. This places me somewhere inside the roughly one percent of total people who don't have one. Where in the past having a tattoo placed you on the fringes of society, today is just the opposite.

So, my identity. What is it? Am I simply 'that guy without the tattoo' or am I still considered 'normal'?

OK, well normal if you discount the extreme neuroticism.

Giving this guy a run for his money

What made me really start to question whether those of us without tattoos were still normal was simply turning on the television and watching almost any show that was on at that time. You are bound to, at least within 5 minutes, see someone with a nice, inked up tatt. 

In the past, it was only the usual characters who'd be bearing ink on their skin.

Go see a rock band? Tatts.

Strip club? Tatts.

Visiting a local meth lab? Tatts.

This has changed. Today you needn't look far to encounter someone who's got ink, and it's usually in more than one place. You see, it's only been within the past 4 or 5 years that more and more people of either sex have decided that a tattoo is the perfect way to express their individuality. Yet how does one simply express themselves as an individual in a way that's become so conformist?

And what exactly happens to certain rules, now that so many people think a permanent sketch of Mickey Mouse on the side of their neck is a sane look? For example, there are so many jobs that require you to cover all tattoos as best you can. For example, there are still plenty of retailers today who have a strict corporate policy regarding this. How then, are these rules able to be kept in place if so many people are having multiple tattoos done in various places on their body?

Now don't get me wrong. I have absolutely nothing against tattoos. I know plenty of people with them and some of them are close friends. I never judge an individual based on what they do with or to their body.

Except you - you're a fucking idiot

Now I do know that a lot of people who get ink done do it for a certain sentimental or important reason that has great significance on their life.

Then there are those who do it for the exact same reason that I chose to use the picture of a naked Angelina Jolie as the thumbnail for this article: To get attention

This is my greatest issue though. Without todays ultimate sign of expression, am I left to be tossed aside as without meaning in my life? Without having any significant importance in my life?

I know that's not true, but my greatest issue in life is the perception of myself from others. Again - neuroticism. 

Now those of us without tattoos are on the fringes and it feels kind of weird - we didn't really make a choice the way that others did. I don't care how you look at that last sentence, but simply avoiding a needle that will engrave Betty Boop on your left shoulder doesn't require a choice to be made - the choice is made when you actually do that.

For some, choices are just on a dartboard full of possible bad decisions

Hypothetically, if it weren't so mainstream (not to sound all hipsterish or anything) but I'd probably get a tattoo if I actually had what you kids call 'swag'. Mine would be C-3PO bitch slapping Han Solo while Chewbacca laughs. Why? Simple because I've always wanted to see that, that's why. It's the same reason Billy Madison colours the duck in blue!

But that's never going to happen (not the C-3PO thing - I'll draw that shit!), the tattoo is only hypothetical because for someone like me it just isn't a possibility.

You had it coming you scruffy looking nerf herder!

You can read more about C-3PO revenge fantasies by following @SiCar on Twitter

Friday Quickie - What's In A Name?

I'm not 100% familiar with they way in which iGoogle compiles or chooses the news stories that appear in the feed on the front page. However, I do know that it may have something to do with your own preferences that you added when it was first set up.

This is something that I only just stumbled up on this afternoon and thought it was worth a quick look at:

Those are two completely different Israel's. Yet they both happen to appear side-by-side (OK, one on top of the other) in my iGoogle newsfeed. One could probably be forgiven for this as a coincidence since BOTH are in the news at the moment. However, if you look down further, there is a whole different section for sports. How did this story not at least get placed in the appropriate area?

One Israel is the nation state in the middle east that's been pretty much at the centre of most conflicts in that region since the 1950's. The other one is a talented athlete who likes to hop from sport to sport.

So I've come to the conclusion now that iGoogle simply arranges news based on key words.

Somebody, anybody! If you're a bit more clued in to how Google does this, then please leave a comment and enlighten me.

That is all for today.

Super Simmo

4 Of The Most 'WTF' Latin Music Videos Of All Time

Being married to a Salvadoran, I get to experience a lot of what Latin American culture has, such as spicy food, superstitious beliefs, beautiful family values and fantastic music. The music has always been admired greatly by myself, both the classical and folk music of Central America as well as the contemporary and modern day sound. However one thing has always baffled me about the more contemporary songs - for such beautiful music, why are their videos so damn confusing?

After watching so many of them, I still can't tell whether the director is just deeply artistic, or autistic. I know that with a foreign language often comes elements of a song that just won't be understood by other cultures, however some of these elements go beyond simple culture shock and enter into the completely deranged.

Here's a short list of the craziest that I've seen:

4: Pintame - Elvis Crespo

This one was hard to write about, only because I'm a big fan of this particular singer. Now, that being said, I'm not exactly a fan of his videos. Here's one of them.

I also can't tell if it's him or a middle-aged woman

Elvis Crespo has a great voice, but unfortunately all his talent is undone by one single music video. If you haven't bothered to watch (don't worry, it is safe for work as all the women somehow stay clothed) then you would have noticed that Elvis likes to change his clothes quite often, but he only enjoys two colours; black and white.

At the very beginning of the video, he, and all the dancers who are inexplicably there with him in a white room, are wearing the same white clothing that is usually reserved for cult members waiting for the spacecraft to appear. Cut a mere 5 seconds later - all wearing black. Cut another 5 seconds - wearing white again, and so on and so on until...

Still can't tell if it's a man or a middle-aged woman

Elvis finds himself in a yellow room usually reserved for the fantasy sequence of a schizophrenic. 

Now I know that the word 'Pintame' means 'Paint Me' in English, so the use of colours or monochromatic themes seems kind of appropriate. But really, isn't there a more subtle and less psychotic way of conveying this to your audience, Señor Crespo?

The next shots incorporate the following: Elvis playfully sitting on a large chair, smiling at us. Elvis pinning himself up against a green backdrop. Elvis momentarily cloning himself and dancing in a green jacket. Having his backup dancers paint penises on the wall...

Nothing phallic to see here, folks...

Even the women get in on the action, hopefully by not showing us what the middle of their bed sheets may look like once a month...

Pictured: NOT a 'stayfree' advertisement

And then finally there's Elvis, who seems confused by something that a 4 year old made at kindergarten

No caption required

Then there are the scenes that make us believe Crespo really does want to get sued by Apple.

3: La Musica Sonando Para Ti Polis - Pescozada

A hip hop group hailing from the mean streets of San Salvador is always going to have street cred, no matter what anyone says. But no matter how many times Ross Kemp likes to show us how hard he is by roaming them for journalistic purposes, we cannot fathom how bad the street gang situation is over there.

Luckily for us, Pescozada can show us themselves! One of El Salvador's premier hip hop groups, Pescozada enjoys sharing their home videos with us, particularly in the music clip for this song which seems like someone decided to put all of their amateur footage of their debaucherous nights out and compile it all for their fans.

This video is mainly 90% handy cam footage - we're talking parking lots, on stage, in their car, on the sidewalk. It's as if they either stumbled upon the best way to show their street cred or they've realised that this is going to cost them nothing to put together.

And you know what they can do with all those savings!

Towards the end of the video there's even footage of them going up the escalator at a local mall, throwing gang signs up as if to say, "yeah homes, what you gonna do about it, we're riding the escalator at the mall".

Roughly translated, the song title means "Music Playing For You Cops", so straight out of the blocks you know exactly where they stand with local law enforcement (just look at their 'double dare' expressions on their faces when riding that escalator). I'm not sure though, but I do know that in most countries, riding the escalator isn't a felony - hell even going up one the wrong way isn't, just ask any 5-15 year old in the entire world. I'm also fairly sure that travelling on sidewalks is OK, as is playing music to a live audience (as long as you're fully clothed) is fine. 

Pescozada have basically given us a home movie on how to have a good law-abiding night out with your friends.

That is unless he's taking a shit on stage

Even some of the more risqué stuff that they try to pull off doesn't even seem that bad. At the beginning of the video, one of the group members gets out of his car with a bottle of some sort of undisclosed alcohol in his hands. "Woah! Back off now, man! Don't be bringing that kind of trouble to our nice quiet night out." 

Unless a passing cop walks by and he decides to smash the bottle and cut him with it, the video goes nowhere... which is exactly what happens for the next 4 minutes.

2: Salome - Chayanne

When I first heard the song Salome I must admit, it was pretty catchy, and as much as I'd also hate to admit it, I still enjoy listening to it sometimes today. That being said, the video is shit. Not only that, but it's one of the most confusing and disjointed music videos I've ever seen. I understand that not all music videos need a narrative, sometimes we like to take a break from having to be told a story and just enjoy watching our favourite artists awkwardly sell-out to their record label in order to sell more albums. However when it comes to Salome there is no room for interpretation, and you sure as hell can't relax with all the crazy shit that seems to be going on at the same time.

The absolute worst thing about this video is the lousy animation. Here's a sneak peek:

I kid you not - this is the very first thing we are presented with

I'm not sure what that is but I'm fairly certain I've seen the same thing animated in a 9th grade multimedia class. Or this video was shot in 1980... which it wasn't.

Anyway, here's the full clip:

Even Chayanne seems perplexed as to what's going on. We can't help but emphasise enough: This video was produced by professionals.

I'm not entirely sure what the overall theme is here. Is it a space theme? Is it set in the future? Are they all tripping on acid? Are they trying to burn that blue skivvy he's wearing?

'Ha ha ha. I bowl them all over with my fashion sense!'

Then there are the silver spherical balls that seem to be all over the place. Was this some computer animators afterthought or a genuine attempt to make the video seem more futuristic or... science? Either way, they suck.

It's as if the video producers just gave in on their own original ideas and decided that they were going to borrow from as many sci-fi films and television shows as they possibly could.

They even steal from Hannah Barbara cartoons when, in some out-of-place ode to The Flinstones some little Gazoo character comes flying in, capturing the curiosity of Chayanne.

Hello Dum Dum - let me shit all over your career

Chayanne has probably made much much worse than this, but to allow a director to simply shoot such a Frankenstein's monster of a video has put him firmly in this list. There are moments when you just feel sorry for him and everyone else associated with the video, even the dancers wearing those glossy coloured vests.

I swear though, if you pause at just the right moment, you can almost see the despair in his eyes, as if looking for some sort of escape.

Get me the fuck out of here!

I don't know a lot about Chayanne's career other than this song, a few others and oh, the fact that he once auditioned and then was rejected by this group:

Oh... and speaking of that group...

1 - Hold Me - Menudo

I don't need to add any further comment to this video. 

It's not that I'm lazy or anything, it's just that I'm fairly sure that it would be the exact same thing as kicking a dog just as it's about to be put down.

The VERY same thing

You can see more about how the rhythm's gonna get you by following @SiCar on Twitter

The 3 Worst Children's Toy Knockoffs

Anyone with a childhood (and let's go ahead and assume that you weren't cloned) can remember the time when they all desperately wanted a new toy. Whether it was an action figure of their favourite superhero, the latest side-scrolling platform video game from Nintendo, or a disproportionately, anatomically impossible doll, we all shared this kind of experience.

Receiving the toy as a gift was probably the next best thing to your parents telling you that Ice-cream was dinner for the rest of the week, or that the new puppy you just got could speak, clean up after itself and do your homework for you.

Then there were the times that this did not go down so well. You see, not all is what it seems after first glance at the shelves of the toy aisle. Sometimes there are certain details that slip past even the most diligent and tuned-in of parents. All it takes is a couple of seconds for your parents to notice the vague resemblance between what they are looking at and what you originally wanted, and that's all it takes for them to ruin your entire Christmas/Hanukkah/Flying-Spaghetti-Monster-Celebration or your birthday.

You see, there is the real deal and then there is what appears to be the real deal.

Let me put it this way: We all like cheap knockoffs. Deep down we all want to save a few dollars but still put on the false front that money is no object. So when you decide that you'll go ahead and buy that fake Chanel handbag - because really all your friends won't be able to tell the difference between this one and the genuine article (they totally can) - you're entering into a contract with your own denial, and this is OK if it only affects you, but definitely not OK when it affects children.

You see them on shelves at $2 stores, market stalls and anywhere else sleazy enough to buy toys off a  company that exploits 5 year old Malaysian children and also steals their ideas off other much bigger companies that also exploit 5 year old Malaysian children.

Without further ado - here they are:

The 3 Worst Children's Toy Knockoffs

3 - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I grew up in the late 80's and 90's - therefore I was, for about 2 years, completely obsessed with 3 things: Yo-yos, Hyper-colour t-shirts, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Some of my best childhood memories are playing with the TMNT action figures with my brother. When we got bored of this, we'd play as the characters ourselves. I was Leonardo, he was Raphael, and the trees in our backyard played the rest of the characters - let's just say that we got plenty of 'Splinters' (sorry I just couldn't resist).

Asking our parents to buy us these action figures or even earning enough pocket money to shell out the ridiculous (at the time) $5.95 to pay for them was tough, considering you simply couldn't just buy one - you needed the whole damn set! (Come on, we're talking about a 4 and a 7 year old here).

So you can understand my absolute disappointment when dad finally brought home a couple of these action figures for us.

Here was one of them:

Shattered dreams and broken promises sold separately

That's the famous 'Fighting Action Turtle'. Yes, he clearly fights, you can tell from the weapons, and judging from the face he looks like he's ready for some sort of action, except that action looks like it's the one or two hours spent on the toilet seat after curry night.

Also, I'm going to go ahead and assume that since all four of the real TMNT's character's weapons have been sold with this single character, that means the manufacturer was generous enough to ensure that you needn't buy the other 3.

As sad as 'Fighting Action Turtle' seems, that isn't the worst of the knockoffs.

I remember the episode where Donatello blew Shredder's brains out with a .357 Magnum

I'm 30 years old now so my childhood memories are a little blurry, but correct me if I'm wrong here, but I'm pretty sure that the TMNT's didn't carry handguns in their belts.

And I'm starting the question the rest of the gear loaded in with that package. Handcuffs? In case the turtles are getting a little kinky with April O'Neil (and who amongst us as boys never had that fantasy?). The remote control, which obviously doesn't work, I can understand to some extent, but then the watch? What? In case your parents don't love you and this is the only one that you're getting?

Now I know that it says Ninja Gun Set, but... oh hey, wait a minute. Ninjas? Guns? I'm pretty sure that the art of Ninjitsu doesn't teach the use of Colts or semi-automatic rifles. So that in itself is the biggest giveaway that should trigger the parent's alarm bells when they see this.

Then you compare that last one to this, the final example of how TMNT was knocked off so badly in the 90's.

At least 'Fighting Action Turtle' had a proper name (sort of). These guys are known only by adjectives. Obviously they're Courageous and Righteous, so we can put any doubts about their character to rest.

Judging by the looks of their weapons, one can only hope that they really are courageous, as they're more than likely going to get their asses kicked.

2 - Power Rangers

Admit it - you ran home as quick as you could every single day so you could be in your living room by 4pm and catch this program. You even sang along with the song at the beginning, got your action figures out, hoped against all hope that the Pink Ranger showed a bit of nip in this episode.

As the show began riding a massive wave of success, it was only inevitable that the action figures followed a few months later.

Again, faced with the same dilemma of the high cost that retailers drew up in order to maximise their profits off the spoiled kids of the 90's, parents would more often than not resort to the knockoff. 

If you thought that TMNT had it tough, you haven't seen anything yet.

Wow, 5 of them, and a vehicle! And look... wait, what?

It seems that any ability to conceal the fact that this is a rip-off has been lost completely by the manufacturers. Yes, the look is almost identical, the colours are right for the most part, but, hang on a second - Dragon Gaoranger?

Complete with carnivorous scary-as-fuck dinosaur

This one here takes the concept of Power Rangers to a whole new level. No longer must they 'form like Voltron' (Power Rangers is also a knock-off) and combine to become some variation of a dinosaur/giant robot thingy, they can simply ride around on their own velociraptor, who in probably 5 minutes, will throw the rider off and tear away at their flesh in an instant.

1 - Barbie/Bratz

I've combined these two in the final (and therefore worst) entry on this list. Why? Because the following knockoffs will give me nightmares for the next 10 years of my life. Happy reading:

Laura - The freakishly large-headed Barbie knockoff

This is what happens when you combine children's tears, LSD and whatever they found in Hitler's bunker.

I will stare at you while you lay asleep

Those eyes are two of the creepiest that I have ever seen in my entire life. I'm not sure what sort of sick joke that the manufacturers were players, but one can only hope that it was a complete accident on part of their design. No child should have to ever unwrap the evil entity that is Laura on Christmas morning.

Then there's the always booming 'women that like to dress like men dressed as drag queens' doll market.

That's L-O-L-A, LOLA

'Turning Tricks Barbie' is coming out just in time for Christmas.

I also like the new 'Ironically Named' series of Bratz Dolls that are just coming out. Meet 'Happy Girl'.

Pictured: Not so happy

You can receive more parental advice by following @SiCar on Twitter

3 More Italian Stereotypes That Need To Go (but are a little more true)

A few weeks ago I posted an article that discussed some overused Italian stereotypes that aren't true and should be on the way out. That particular article proved to be quite popular, and not because I decided to spam 7 types of shit out of every single Facebook page and semi-related blog that I could find with it, but also because it appears I struck a bit of nerve with some of my loyal readers (again, all 3 of them).

So now I bring you a second helping of this topic. Could I simply be riding on the wave of success?

Or maybe I'm simply out of good, original ideas.

I'll let you be the judge.

3 More Italian Stereotypes That Need To Go

3 - The Gel, The Jewellery, The 'Slickness'.

Now I'm not one to lay the blame squarely on popular culture for the way our youth today act, dress and procreate as if faced with extinction, but I do believe it plays some part. There's a common myth that all young Italians are obsessed with tans, their hair, and think about nothing else other than some good old fashioned fornication.

I don't blame pop culture at all. 

It seems that a certain kind of stigma has been hanging over Italian/Australians for a long time now, one that has been represented countless times in the media, and that's because it's not just limited to Australia but almost every other country that accepted Italian immigrants after WWII.

Now, this particular stereotype isn't just limited to Italians. It's an umbrella stereotype used to categorise every single person of Southern and Eastern European descent in this country - Wog.

The term Wog has its roots in the UK in the early part of the 20th Century. There it was used to refer to people of Indian, Pakistani or African heritage. Australia, being the colonial little ass-kisser that it was for it's first hundred or so years as a federated nation, adopted many of the slang terms from the mother country. The only difference now was that this word was being used to describe a whole new different group of people - ones that were suddenly streaming into the country faster than Ricky Nixon hearing about a hotel room with an underage girl.

The problem is, and this is important to understand, that not all Italians like to be classified this way. In fact, the great majority, and again this is VERY important to understand, do not like being lumped in with such a diverse ethnic group. Think about the severity of the statement "Greeks are just like Italians". 

OK, to most people this doesn't sound so shocking, well to those outside of the two cultures anyway. But then say this without cringing: "The Irish are just like the English". Now, to anyone who even so much as only received a formal education right up until their 6th birthday, that particular statement is by far the dumbest thing they would ever have heard. Ireland and England are not separated by a whole lot of space - there's but a mere pond between them in global terms - yet the two cultures are very dissimilar. 

The same goes for the countries of Greece and Italy. Sure, if you look at the history of the Mediterranean you can see how there was so much invading going on that if you go back far enough all of Southern Europeans are essentially the same, but as far as cultural differences go, they are almost worlds apart.

The next part of this stereotype is the look that we're expected to have.

Yes, we all look like Vince Colosimo in muscle shirts.

The look is scary. Why? Because at some point in the late 90's, I only had to go to my local supermarket to ask the question: Is life imitating art, or is art imitating life?

You buy yourself a black Kappa jacket because the guys on Fat Pizza are all wearing Kappa and your cousin Anthony also wears one with his mates. You buy yourself a big-ass gold chain to wear with a cross on the end that's so big, all you're missing to hold a public crucifixion are some Roman soldiers.

Now of course I'm talking about over 10 years ago, but today it hasn't changed a whole lot. Just replace Kappa with whatever lame brand a guy with gold teeth who calls himself a rapper is wearing. The gold chain can stay the same but get rid of the cross and get yourself an equally lame tattoo - preferably somewhere noticeable if you're wearing a singlet. OK, noticeable if you're shirtless. OK, sorry, noticeable from fucking space!

Then, there's the girls. Madonn! The girls.

Nothing has changed a bit in this department, but there are three rules: crop tops, tight pants, fake tan. 

Her father assumes the acronym of 'Does This Fit?' is ironic. We won't tell him otherwise.

Where did it come from?

This particular stereotype? Years and years of shovelling it in our faces. I like to personally think that the stereotype of a young Italian guy using a small countries entire petroleum stock pile to gel his hair once a day is a complete myth that created the assumption (and then reality) in the first place, but I could be wrong since I know guys like that. The hard truth is that 1% of the Italian-Australian population even remembers Kappa.

2 - A Year's Supply of Grappa

I know one Italian man who makes and drinks his own Grappa. That man is my uncle. That is literally the ONLY Italian that I know of, and that I have known in my entire life, who makes home-made Grappa. And there's not a year's worth.

Multiple Choice: Alcohol, Mountain Dew, or Uncle Tony's Donkey's specimen?

No one in my immediate family has ever made their own alcohol. Oh, I stood in the DIY beer aisle at Big W once for more than a minute contemplating how cool it'd be, then I realised actual work was involved so I left and drove to Dan Murphy's instead.

Where did it come from?

Back in the old days (no, not when we were killing/boning neanderthals, a bit more recent) the older Italian men used to play cards and drink their homemade wine/grappa/rocket-fueld death traps. They also used to bring bottles of it to each others houses as gifts/poisonous death traps. 

1 - Being Loud and Just Plain Yelling All The Time

I come from a pretty loud family, I'll admit it. We don't yell or speak loud because we're mad, it's just that there are so many of us trying to get our own parts of a very complex conversation out of the way first, that we think yelling over each other drown the other people out. It doesn't work when a dozen of you are doing this.

That being said, this isn't true for all Italian families. It may just be that we are actually the exception and this silly stereotype was based on the few psychotic families, like my very own, who happen to be excruciatingly loud at the best of times.

Also, I'm a pretty loud person, but that's just my personality. I've always believed that telling a story or asking a question involves deafening the other person or at least giving them some kind of severe ear damage. It works though because people often either respond to me straight away or keel from some kind of audible sensory seizure (I'm not sure that's a science thing at all but all those words strung together look smart enough to be).

This is me MC'ing my cousin's wedding a couple of years ago

Where did it come from?

I know many other Italian families very, very different to my own - essentially making them extremely sane by comparison.

I also have quite a few Italian friends who are very soft-spoken and polite individuals - again, complete opposite of myself.

This is definitely a stereotype laid down by those psychotic individuals (like myself) whose human amplifier system is like the one in Spinal Tap; it goes to 11.

To be deafened simply by the ferocity of his typing, you can follow @SiCar on Twitter.

Mario Balotelli - The Musical

OK - let's just get one thing straight: I have dibs on this.

Yes, I do.

Any future biographies, documentaries and 'Why Always Me?' memorabilia, anyone else can have. But this is mine.

Picture this:

Mario Balotelli - The Musical.

It already screams operatic masterpiece right from the onset.

Mario Balotelli - A Musical.

Mario Balotelli - The Opera!

For those of you who don't know who I'm talking about, he's the football player whose face lines the background of this very blog. Why have I used his image? Because for the same reason that I'm writing this very article right now: He is a legend. He is a myth. He is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery.

He is - Super Mario.

If you'd like a quick run down, so far in his career he has played for two major European clubs, has a number of caps for the Italian national team and has just plain fucked shit up like a boss!

What do I mean by that? Well you can take a look for yourself at some of the on-pitch events that have made him the man that he is, and the boy that we all love (and wish we were).

Balotelli - JUST - NOT - GIVING- A - FUCK

Here are just some of his off-pitch events that have made him a household name:

Had his car impounded 27 times

Spotted wearing a crazy chicken hat on his way to the Manchester City change rooms with a straight look on his face

Went to a women's prison with his younger brother, to have a look around, unaware that you need special permission to visit a prison

Threw water balloons at a camera crew during a Serie A meeting

Threw darts at fans

Then there is also this:

And this

And finally, this

'Why Always Me?' asked his t-shirt that he just happened to be wearing in a match against Manchester United. Why always you, Mario? That's the question that we're all asking.

Well if that's the question, then we need to look even further back in his career, to a time when he was playing for Internazionale (greatest football team in the world) and he appeared on live Italian television wearing an AC Milan jersey. A cardinal sin in the world of football, especially in Italy, and especially in Milan.

It's acts like this that have gone on to make Super Mario the footballer that he is today - one who we sometimes are so completely frustrated with on the pitch for so long, but then he makes us laugh with his boyish personality. And then, he redeems himself with some of the best plays of all time:

Now, well know why you came here and why you're reading this, all 3 of you. So without further ado, here's just a small summary of what will take place in the single greatest musical of all time:

WHY ALWAYS ME? - THE MARIO BALOTELLI STORY

Act 1 - Scene 1

The curtain raises, we see a small Ghanaian boy struggling to breathe, his mother and father come out, panicking, asking for help.

"Who will help our boy?" They shout.

Suddenly, another man and woman enter the stage - "We will take your son" They proclaim. The Italian flag drops in the background - 

cue the song: You'll Be Italian, My Son

The young boy, Mario, begins playing with firecrackers while the song is being played.

Scene 2

Roberto Mancini walks up to greet Mario with a contract - The Inter Milan logo drops and replaces the Italian flag.

Song: I'll Dress You In Black And Blue

Mancini exits the stage and Jose Mourinho enters accompanied by sinister music - he is wearing a black cape, as if a vampire.

Scene 3

Balotelli is relegated to the Inter bench and becomes frustrated. He decides that from here on he will do what he wants if he can't get his own way.

Television cameras and journalists all surround Mario as he throws off his Inter jersey and puts on a Milan one. Everyone gasps in shock and Mourinho comes back on stage angry and shouting at Mario.

Song: Che Cazzo Vuoi Mourinho? (what the fuck do you want Mourinho?)

Scene 4

Mancini comes back on stage and hands another contract to Mario. He is hesitant but then he strips off his Milan jersey and puts on a Manchester City one. Men dressed in traditional Saudi costumes come running out on stage and begin throwing copious amounts of money at Mario.

Song: Cashed Up With The Emirates

Intermission

During intermission a group of dancers take to the stage and begin throwing rubber darts at audience members.

Act 2

Scene 5

Mario takes to the stage by himself, suddenly he is surrounded by men in Manchester United uniforms -  a football lands at his feet and he strikes it towards stage right. A loud cheer comes up from the crowd watching at the back of the stage - Mario takes off his jersey to reveal 'Why Always Me?'

Song: Why Always Me?

Scene 6

Mancini begins getting frustrated with Mario's off-field behaviour. Meanwhile, Mario plays with some firecrackers and inadvertently starts a fire in his own house. It burns down.

Song: Playing With Fire

Scene 7

All seems lost - Mario is again relegated to the bench, he is out of favour with fans and with his teammates. Then, all of a sudden, Cesare Prandelli enters the stage. He carries an Italian national team jersey to Mario and welcomes him to the squad.

Song: You'll Be Italian, My Son (Reprise)

Act 3

Scene 8

Mario is struggling to find his place in the Italian squad. However, after one match he finds his feet and then begins scoring and playing his best.

He delivers a heartfelt speech in which talks about how postmen do their job but never celebrate, which is why he never celebrates.

Song: The Postman Only Delivers

During the score, he rips off his shirt and flexes his muscles while the rest of the Italian team dance around him.

Scene 9

Italy have lost the final to Spain, but Mario feels more confident and happy in his career. He talks about how he can't wait to get back to Manchester to continue 'delivering the mail'. Mancini, Prandelli, his parents and all his teammates join him on stage for the finale as firecrackers go off in the background. Balotelli is handed a bib and he finally gets it on without any trouble.

Song: Super Mario (to the tune of the Super Mario Bros. theme music)

End show

You can see more pointless drivel by following @SiCar on Twitter.

The Beverly Hills 90210 Episode That Finally Killed Television

The 23rd of April, 1992. That's the exact date.

The date that a show by the name of Beverly Hills 90210 aired its 48th episode titled Things to do on a Rainy Day.

In what is now known as D-Day for television, this date will forever live on as the single moment that the medium was given its last rites and finally rolled over into infinite slumber - doomed to deliver us nothing but purgatorial desperation-driven trash from then on.

This is the ultimate moment when all hope in television serials became completely lost. Sure, there have been glimmers of some kind of hope ever since, but they too always seem to fade out, delivering only but a promise of what kind of redemption might come, but never eventuates.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the episode in question, or even the program itself (bless you, my child) you are in for quite a treat. You see, this is a very good history lesson today. We can see from the inside out, how a television show so desperate to stay current and 'hip' with its audience, succumbed to the absolute lowest common denominator. Not that it hadn't flirted with this kind of thing before, but it was at this point that all bets were off on the camp direction that this show had taken and that absolutely nothing good could ever be expected of it again.

Except for Steve Sanders' hair - you simply can't put a price on that

The episode starts off normally, just like every other one - Brandon attempts to pout a record number of times while performing his dialogue, Brenda acts like a complete bitch (on and off camera), Dylan tries to outdo Brandon's record, and David Silver tries to keep himself from dancing at every minute like Vanilla Ice's lobotomised clone.

So everything's pretty much normal at this stage. The entire premise of the episode is pretty much explained within the imaginative title that it was given by some incredibly creative CBS staff members. The whole town (that's Beverly Hills in case you didn't know) is subdued by heavy rain. Now, since the program takes place within the greater Los Angeles area, heavy rain would be classed as a natural disaster, so naturally everybody is 'majorly bummed out' in 90's speak.

A group of native 90's language speakers, dressed in the traditional costume of their culture

So the various characters decide on what to do to pass the time - Steve and Dylan are bored at Brandon's house, so they decide to do what any teenager with money would do in that situation - invite a stripper to their house (which, geographically speaking, could be just about any female living in their city).

Now, what makes their story in this episode even lamer than that, is the fact that they pay her to visit, and then get 'majorly bummed out' by her back story, that they no longer want her to strip for them. They suddenly realise "hey dude, she's like, a person, too!" so all the fun has been sucked out of the day.

Note: Sucking the fun out your day usually costs a bit extra in the back room

So in continuing along on the realms of realism, the three teenage males with a bit of money, and at the height of puberty, just have a deep and meaningful conversation with the attractive female stripper in her 20's.

Pictured: More realistic

Yet, that story isn't even the worst part of this entire episode. No. We have the other half of our gang - David, Donna, Brenda and Kelly - who all go simultaneously deaf and decide that the group Color Me Badd (the extra d was thrown in because they're extra bad!) plays good music. David (using his obscure contacts from within the music industry, because, you know, he's into music and everything) finds out the name of the hotel that they're staying at while they're in town and plans to stalk them.

This is where the episode gets bizarre. You see, not only do we have a plot where these kids are now scheming and lying their way through the hotel to catch a glimpse of a boy band, that in less than one year will be forgotten by almost everybody, including the show's producers, but we also get a personal look at this band and can totally see how they totally act and like, their personalities, dude, they're like, so down to earth, it's bodacious, bro.

In one scene, we see Mark - the member with just enough testosterone in his system to actually grow facial hair (or his version of facial hair, anyway) is making his way through the halls of the hotel to a vending machine, because, again, he's like so totally down to earth and everything.

He them bumps into Kelly Taylor, who at this point has already been mistaken for a groupie. Now let me get this straight - a young female, hanging out at a hotel hoping to meet a band... correct me if I'm wrong but If I googled the word 'groupie' I'm sure that the first part of the description might match up. Anyway, Mark instantly decides that she's cool and can, like totally come and chill with band... if you know what I mean. Oh, wait, no one knows what I mean because Mark and the rest of the band treat her with complete respect when she comes back to the room. So, on top of the fizzled-out stripper set from earlier, we now have a young boy-band in a hotel room with a teenage girl and they treat her like absolute gentlemen, because realism.

Pictured: Color Me Badd

It gets worse.

Much, much worse.

You see, during this segment, Donna also finds that out that at the very same hotel where her and her meddling teenage friends are stalking a semi-talented vocal group, her mother is also using one of the rooms to do the horizontal tango with someone that isn't Donna's father. Distraught and like, totally like, upset and stuff, Donna spends the next few minutes angry, sad, bitter, sad again and then like totally angry again, bro.

David, her musically talented and like totally into the music scene and everything, boyfriend tries to console her, but because he's a 15 year old boy, and because he spends the better part of the first season perving on and stalking a girl who would eventually become his step sister, this completely fails.

But, wait! What's this? It seems our very talented and like totally hunky boy-band heroes have now decided to show us how more down to earth they really are and they've visited the very same diner, The Peach Pit, that these crazy kids loiter in for just about every single episode.

What continues is the exact pin pointed moment where we witness television as we knew it dying. Painfully. Slowly. 

Excruciatingly

As a way to console her (and the gang, because they've all like totally had a bad day) they give them all free backstage passes to their show. A show which just happens to be starting that very night, in mere minutes. Then, the most painful, stroke-inducing incident of all time.

The group decides to serenade Donna in the fashion of creepy older men singing to 16 year old girls all over the world.

To make it worse, much worse. Halfway through the song Mark begins talking to Donna in Spanish. Now, most of us who don't speak that language probably don't understand what he's saying to her, but from the way he's talking and that extremely creepy look in his eyes, one can only deduce that in most countries it would land him in jail for saying them to a 16 year old girl.

The word 'creepy' in Spanish is simply making this face

What makes this scene even more awkward is the way that the kids all stand around... well awkwardly, while the group sings. The weirder thing is that everyone else in the diner just accepts the fact that a popular boy band of the time simply just walked through the door and decided to sing - again, on the very same night that they have a concert on.

You can see more obsession for 90's culture by following @SiCar on Twitter.